Laith

 It was 24 hours before my induction.  I had been diagnosed with preeclampsia and it was moving toward HELLP syndrome, and it was time to get the baby out. We scheduled the induction for 36 weeks, I had Rowan at 36 weeks as well, so I knew what to expect for a premature baby of that gestational age. Rowan came home 24 hours later. My doctor had talked to me about my son staying for 3 days with me in the post-partum wing.  I could live with that. I spent the entire day before the induction deep cleaning the house and my van…. Truthfully I had been deep cleaning and organizing every corner of my house for months. I like things to be perfect and spotless. I like to feel like every little thing is in its place. This is probably mostly to do with my anxiety and need for control, but also from my childhood which was completely unstable… I have a picture in my mind of the perfect life, the perfect home… everything being beautiful and smelling nice. A stable and warm place to bring a baby home to. I did my nails, my house was perfect, my van was perfect…. Everything like a dream. I left my house smelling like apples and cinnamon the morning of my induction. The trees just beginning to change to their fall colors. What perfection it would be to bring a baby home to this.  I left my husband with instructions of what I hoped he would do in the 3 days I was at the hospital… keep the dogs clean was one of the major ones, keep the house clean was another. Everything was going to be just perfect. The induction was started and I couldn’t have been more excited to meet my baby boy. I opted to have an epidural because I have been induced before and it was too much for my body to handle. This was the first event that would go wrong during my labor. As they injected the first dose of medicine I began to feel numb as you should in your legs. But shortly after I began to have trouble breathing and started seeing spots. I told the nurse that I felt funny, but my tongue was numb and I could barely talk. Within 10 seconds and entire team or nurses, the doctor, and Anesthesiologist were around me, putting ice packs on my body asking how far up I could feel. I couldn’t feel the ice on my neck. They looked panicked, and I asked if I was going to stop breathing. They said they were doing everything they could to prevent that. Something was put in my IV, and within about 30 min I began to get feeling back in my chest. Then the epidural failed, I went from 5 cm to my baby in my arms in 30 minutes. And I experienced for the first time the true feeling of birth. For a moment I thought I might pass out or die from pain, and then just like that, it was over. My son was born. I had done what so many women before me had done. I had pushed through the pain and into victory. My son was not breathing, however. He was blue, he wasn’t crying, and he was limp. He was taken immediately to the NICU station they had set up next to me and they worked on him for nearly 40 minutes. Tubes down his throat, trying to suction the liquid out of his lungs. Oxygen being given to him. I didn’t realize the severity of the situation until after, which is Gods gift of grace to me. They stabilized him about 40 minutes after he was born and brought him to my chest still hooked up to all their monitors. I got to hold my baby for a short amount of time before he was once again taken from me to the NICU because he wasn’t breathing well. I went to my room still not understanding all that had happened in such a short amount of time. My husband wheeled me to the NICU shortly after, where I was able to gently place my hand on my boy through the incubator but not allowed to hold him. He had a feeding tube in his nose and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed him for days. The next day we were told that he would be there a few days as long as he began to breathe better on his own, we needed his respirations per minute to come down from 100-120 to a normal range of 40-60. This would happen as his lungs cleared the fluid that he breathed in. This was painful news, but really we were so grateful that he was ok and that soon enough we would be allowed to take him home.  Then things changed. In the night my sons heart rate plummeted and his oxygen as well. He turned blue and the nurses intervened to bring him out of this event. He fell too deep into sleep and forgot to breathe. We would have many of these events over the next few days… this is where my anxiety really took hold of me in a way it had never done before. I began to wonder if I would have a baby in my arms when I went home. Would he make it through this? I had assumed that everything would be just fine and it wasn’t fine. He even had one of these events while laying on my chest. Along with the medical issues Laith was having, I missed my other two children so much. They have never been apart from me. A couple of days after Laith was born they got sick and I wasn’t able to see them anymore. I couldn’t risk getting sick myself and not being allowed to go to the NICU and be with my newborn. So the kids and Nathan stayed away. Several others weren’t feeling well and the first week of the NICU was an extremely lonely time. I slept only a couple of hours each night, had to sleep on the other side of the hospital away from my baby… which is something I am not used to doing. I held my son and watched alarms constantly go off and nurses rush to stimulate him as he turned blue from forgetting to breathe. This was not the plan. This was not perfection. This was hell. 

The panic attacks I was having continued to get worse, I couldn’t sleep… I was spiraling. One night I asked the nurse to feed him once through a bottle in the night so that I could try to sleep a little. I went to my room and had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. I cried myself to sleep repeating how I needed to let go. Let go of the control… let go of the outcome. I wouldn’t leave his side and wouldn’t sleep because I thought I could control and will the outcome I wanted if I just tried hard enough. But, my body had only had a couple hours of sleep each night for almost a week at this point. I couldn’t physically do this anymore. I had to tell myself that even if the worst happened, that I would be ok. I had to let go. Holding on was killing me.  So I did, I let go. Whatever the outcome was to be, it was time to let go.

As the days went on, I finally got a rhythm. I watched my children come and go and the the leaves fall from the trees through our doorbell camera. I held my son and blocked myself from seeing his monitors, and put headphones in and listened to music so I wouldn’t hear them going off, or the other parents crying in their crisis as doctors tried to help their tiny babies. I trusted that the nurses would come and help him and I stopped controlling it. I held him and stared at his face and tried to just enjoy the moments of having in my arms… The here and the now, no matter what happened in the end of this journey. The events grew less and less, until the first day we had gone 24 hours without them. Then 48 hours. Then 3 days…. We were told once he had hit 5 days without an event we could go home. I was scared to hope… I didn’t want to feel crushed if we had to start over. The important thing was that we go home with a healthy baby that was ready to be off of the monitors. I would gladly sit there as long as it took to make sure that happened. 

It was like I crawled into a womb away from the rest of the world with my son. A place for me to grow along with him… a place for me to learn to stop controlling my world, to let go of the image of perfection I had for my life, my home, my experiences. To let go of the fear of losing my loved ones, and experience the joy of the here and the now with this precious boy. Not to take a moment for granted that I had with him. 

I went home to grab clothing for myself, to see that the house had been lived in the past couple of weeks. My Children’s toys on the floor in a large pile. My dogs muddy footprints throughout the house. Drawings and painting my kids had done on every surface. Clothes laid out to dry across my room. Not the perfection I had tried to ensure for the day I brought my son home. It didn’t smell like apples and cinnamon, it smelt like the deer my loving husband had cooked for our children the night before. It smelt and looked like a home that was lived in, a place that love dwelt. I cancelled the appointment I had to have a cleaner come for the the day before we are scheduled to go home.  I realized that this image of perfection isn’t reality. Life is not perfect, things don’t go according to plan. It’s time that I learned to breathe a little, and let things be what they are. My beautiful nails that I had done to perfection before the birth have now been chewed off during this stay. But, my son doesn’t care if my nails are perfect or if there are dishes in the sink and jelly fingerprints on the wall from his big brother. My children will not remember how clean the house was but how much I loved them, even when life isn’t perfection. 

I have all I need. I’m alive, my baby is alive, my children have been well taken care of, I am loved and supported by my family. Loved and supported by so many friends. That is quite a beautiful reality. And just like the birth, when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, I have breathed through these past couple of weeks, even when I felt I might die, and I have done what people have done for ages. I’ve gotten through it. And I will continue to go through it and get through it no matter the outcome. 

New journey

Hello everyone!


It's been a while since I've written, things have been crazy since we left Mexico to come to Canada and have our precious baby girl.  Since then I have been recovering, and learning how to be a new mom! She in now ten weeks old, and growing so fast!!

But, time is running out and it's time to get prepared for our next big move, which we have had planned for some time now, and were just waiting to have our baby.

Nathan and I will be moving to ch'na, as many of you know, and plan to be there August 1st of this year. Nathan has been working and we've been trying to save up money and to pay for he hospital bills from having Rowan.

The plan is that we will leave Canada to go to California in the beginning of July, to spend three weeks in California with my family and supporters and then one week in Mexico reconnecting with our base there, who we are still a part of, and will be a part of even when we are overseas.

Then we plan to be in China in the beginning of August and starting language school in September for Nathan.


Now, on to some really exciting news! We have been in contact with an organization there that take care of orphan children who are HIV positive, and they find homes for those children to be placed in, like foster homes, and we have decided that is one thing we are going to do while we live there. We have one little three year old boy that looks like might be a great fit for our family. We are very excited to be able to a part of this, and love those that have been abandoned. Nathan and I both have a heart for children and orphans and we know God will use us in this way while we are there.


Please keep us in your prayers, we have a few months left here in Canada, and are trying to get everything sorted out for us to make this huge move.

We are also in need of $500.00 more monthly in support for our budget while we are there, please pray about being a part of that monthly. We really need you walking beside us and partnering with us for this to happen.

Please message or email me if you feel you want to be a part of that.

We love you guys so much!!

The Goodes.

What's new

I haven't posted in a while, we've been quite busy here!

Nathan is working two jobs, and I am working at the YWAM coffee shop! Things are going very well, and we are preparing to welcome our baby girl in to the world in just 11 weeks!!!


For those of you who had been praying, all of my blood tests came back ok, and I do not have any issues with HELLP syndrom. We aren't sure why there was bleeding, but the problem seems to have fixed itself, thank GOD!

I'm absolutely loving working with YWAM here. It's a very small comminity, only about 9 or so staff members, so it's very close.

We are preparing for the 5th annual halloween food drive, to help distribute food to people in need. I get to help with alot of the making of the posters for that stuff, and am doing alot of the media side of the YWAM base right now. When I'm finished I'll post the website so you guys can check it out!!

I also love working in the cafe, cause you get to know the people in town very well, lots of opportunity there.


Nathan is loving being able to work with his hands, he is doing construction as well as farming right now, so he keeps very busy!!

Our baby is doing well, she kicks up a storm and sometimes hurts mommy with her blows, but we're glad she's strong and active!!!


Something that you could be praying about with us is that we would have favor as we are applying for my permanent residency, and talking with a lawyer about the process. It seems this is the only option for us and so we are going ahead with it. It's a bit scary and costly, but we believe it's the best and safest option to keep us all together here in Canada until we're supposed to go back on the mission field.

What this does mean is that we are having to pay for the baby's birth and everything out of pocket, which was not expected. This is another reason that Nathan is working so hard, (God bless him :) ) so pray that everything goes smoothly and it's not more than the 4,000.00 we're expecting.

And now, the 7 month belly photo!

We are so happy to have you in our lives, and know that you are supporting us in our next adventure to get to Asia!!!!


Love

The Goodes

Our girl

I don't know if I'll have a baby shower or not being in Canada, and with so many of my friends and family strewn out across the globe, I made a registry if anyone wanted to help us with some of the things we needed. Don't feel obligated at all! I know it says wedding registry, but that was the only option, haha. Here it is


:https://www.etsy.com/registry/MzY3NTQ5MXw1MDM2NTYxMg/

It would be quite a blessing!

BIG news

Alot of things have been changing recently, and it's clear to us that God is leading us on another big adventure!

While we were in Canada, we visited a base 10 minutes from Nathan's house, and discovered they have a heart for the 10/40 window, which is where Nathan and my heart have been for a long time. Nathan and I plan to go back there after the baby is born, and continue serving in missions there. However, to do this is going to cost quite a bit of money... For plane tickets, language school for Nathan, and for rent, which in the country we're going you pay ahead by 6 months.  As well as the fact that we are about to have a baby, which isn't cheap!

When we were visiting, Nathan's dad offered Nathan work on the farm, and we can save everything because they also have a place for us to stay for free. So this will help us to save all we need for China, while I continue working in YWAM there as well.

Another thing we found out is that I do qualify for free healthcare, which would mean we don't have to pay an arm and a leg to have our baby either.

All of this has been growing in our hearts for quite a while, since last year, but the way wasn't clear until very recently. Our base leader feels this is the wise choice as well and is sending us out from here, with Mexico being our home base.

We are sad to leave all of those we love and care about, as we've been here for 2 1/2 years already, and our relationships here run deep. We've watched friends children grow up, and seen many things grow and change in this ministry in this time... It's not easy to say goodbye.

But, we know that our next step is what God has been calling us to do. We're so excited to see this progress, as we've been preparing for the last couple years for this very thing.

This doesn't change anything as far as support goes for those of you supporting us. This base will continue to process our support as we are being sent out from here to places YWAM isn't official.

We love you guys and thank you for all your support as we contine on in this calling as missionaries!

Why we are the way we are? Surrender.

I know that there are many people who are confused by the way that Nathan and I live, especially when you see facebook posts asking you to help us with money.

There are days like today where I am sometimes confused as well, for a moment in a time of need, when the day to pay a bill has come and we don't have the money we need, I sometimes feel confused as well. Sometimes thoughts cross my mind of simply going home and living a "normal" life like everyone else... Having jobs and getting a paycheck.

Today I had that thought, as I cried during worship time at the base, filled with fear that we wouldn't get what we needed in time, and the shame of having to ask people to help us yet again... But, then I felt the Lord speak to me, the same thing that he does every time I have that thought of wanting to go home.

Surrender.


I gave my life to God a long time ago, I surrendered, and I promised him I would go where he called and do whatever he asked me to do. For me, going home and getting a regular job would not be obedience, because he clearly called me to be a missionary, he told me this was what he wanted me to do, spend my life furthering his kingdom in this way.

It doesn't make sense to the world, not one bit.

But, my love for him beckons me to obey, to lay my life down and remain where he's called, to give it all for him no matter what it costs me. My life is to be surrendered.

In case you don't know what Nathan and I do in Mexico, we work for an organization that builds homes for homeless people. Families that live in shacks made of plywood and hung up curtains. We live to make a difference to people who have nothing, and we do it because it's what Jesus commanded us to do.

We love what we do, we love to be surrendered, even when it's scary, even if that means we don't have what we could have if we lived at home with regular jobs... We love living in surrender, and for us there is no other choice. To go home would be disobedience, to stay means depend on God for what we need, and to humble ourselves and ask when we need, allowing you guys to be a part of the work we do by partnering with us to help keep us here.


For us, this is our identity. Surrender.

Sweet news

I have waited a long time to be able to write such a sweet and exciting update.

Nathan and I are pregnant!!!!

This has been an interesting last four months, because we actually miscarried earlier this year, and that was very difficult, but we are expecting again and absolutely thrilled to be!

We would love to invite you to pray with us for this baby and  protection do all of us :)


We love walking this journey with you guys!!!!

This life of faith

These are the types of blogs I don't really like to write... It can be humbling to express need.
I often have to remind myself that God called me to this life, and he promised that he would take care of me, and that there are times that I will have to leave my comfort zone of independancy.

I'm writing this blog because I need to ask you guys for help. There have been many things that hit Nathan and I this month that we weren't really expecting, and we are in a place of great need.

There are doctors bills that came in from Nathan's fall, totalling around 800.00 that insurance didn't cover, and we have rent due on the first for 450... As well as several other very immediate needs on top of these.

I trust that God will come through on his promise to us, that being where he's called us is the right thing even if it's not always comfortable to lean on others for that support as well.

But, I want to also remind us that Jesus made some big promises, not just to those on the road serving him, "missionaries" or "disciples" if you will, but also to anyone that even gave a cup of cold water to one of them because they belonged to Jesus....  Matthew 10:42

And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.”

I want to remind us, that those who simply support missionaries, share completely in the reward as well. We missionaries NEED you guys in order to be out on the field, you guys play a VITAL role in the spreading of the gospel, the feeding and sheltering of the poor, the binding of the brokenhearted and the  freedom for the captive. 

I want to say that, because I want you all to know how big your role is in our lives as missionaries... You are indespensable. All of the body works together to do this awesome thing, and you guys are very much a part of it!

Would you pray and consider helping us out with a donation to help us through this crazy time? 

Because of the urgency of the need, going through the regular online channel would take many weeks to get to us, and so if this is something you would like to do, you could send cash/check to 100 west 35th st suite R National city, CA 91950

You can make a check out to Charissa Goode

God bless you guys!!!!

Also please remember to be praying for our big thanksgiving dinner in Tijuana tomorrow!!!! It's going to be crazy!!! I will have pics and hopefully a video up soon!

The least of these

I want to talk to you about something our YWAM base is doing this Thanksgiving.
We have a ministry here called Zona Norte, in which we go every Wednesday to the border area of TJ, and take food to feed about 250 homeless men and women that hang out in this area. Some of them are drug addicts, some of them were deported from the states, and some of them just can't find work.

Last thanksgiving we took a thanksgiving meal to them, preapring for 300 homeless men and women, and 500 showed up. So this year we are doing it again, but we are preparing for 600 instead :)

But, this year our vision is a little bigger than just giving them a thanksgiving meal to sit down to.
This year, we want to wash their hair and give them haircuts, and THEN lead them to their seat to give them a sit-down Thanksgiving meal. There is a youtube video of a ministry that's been doing something like this, that reminds me of what we're going to do. I hope to get pictures and videos of what we do that day as well, but for now, here is something to give you an idea of the impact this has on a persons heart and soul http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6a6VVncgHcY

This is what Jesus would have done, and this is who he is talking about when he talks about the least of these, therefore we know that when we do this, we are doing it to him.

I plan to be one of the people that helps cut hair that day, and I'm really excited about it.

We still need to raise 1500 dollars to buy all the food and supplies to feed everyone. This is taking place in just two weeks!!!

Would you cosnider donating to this event that we are putting on? It takes about 3-4 dollars to cover one homeless person's meal and haircut. Would you consider supporting a few, or even more?

Remember what Jesus told us, "whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto me"

we can count on His promises and rewards! :)

New season

So it's been about four weeks now that Nathan and I have been in this school. We have taken a week to go in depth in each book of the bible, and now we are in Deuteronomy. God is doing huge things in both of our hearts as we study the word together. A huge foundation is being laid, and I feel like he's revealing little by little why this school was so vital for us to do.

Every Christian has questions, every Christian has things in their life that they don't quite understand. Sometimes we can go a long time before we face those questions, and when we do... it can turn our world upside down.

For me, in my life, I have experienced a large amount of tragedy... Things that wounded me deeply, and filled my heart with questions. Those questions are gently being answered by my father in heaven as I study his word. He is showing me his character, he is showing me things I have believed about him that weren't actually true. And he is filling me with hope and Joy like I've never had as he gently cleans deeper into my heart and heals those age old wounds.

Why is this important for Nathan and I to do in order to be missionaries?


Because what can we give a hurting world, if we are still hurting deeply? If there is nothing in us to pour out, how can we pour to those that are starving around us? God has made it clear to the both of us, that this process is going to take us further in being able to lead a lost world back to their father, as he leads us deeper and closer to him ourselves.

He is grinding at our hearts, stirring them up, ripping old things out, and laying a beautiful foundation to save us, and to save those around us. Because we will have more to give once we are full ourselves as well. More to give than we have ever given.... the fullness of our father.


Please pray with us as we go through this together. Pray we get all the financial support we need for this school. Pray if God is asking you to partner with us financially. Pray that we are filled with the truth in a bigger way than ever, so that we can pour out to this hurting world in a way we've never yet been able to.


we love you so much!

Nathan and Charissa

Big adventures!

Hello all my wonderful friends and family!


So, in my last post I mentioned how Nathan and I are starting a school to study the bible in-depth.
The school is nine months long, and then there is an optional outreach to a location that we haven't chosen yet.

This is a wonderful opportunity that was really just dropped in our lap, and we have really felt the Lord tell us this is his will and he has big plans through it.

I am writing today to ask you to help be a part of this adventure with us. Nathan and I need to raise 9,000.00 for this school. I know that number seems insane, but it's for a 9 month long school.

I have seen God work bigger money miracles than this, I am not worried at all that he will come through again. And time and time again he has helped through you wonderful people in our lives.


I prayed alot about weather or not we should do this school. I asked God to help give my heart peace and to confirm that this was his will. He did so, very obviously as well. I feel that the Lord has told me that this is going to be giving us the tools that we need for our next step. This is his preparation for us.

I am asking you again to partner with us and to be key players in our lives in missions. I have never been able to do it without you guys. Another thing I want to remind you, is that it's never been one person giving a huge sum of money, but rather, many of my friends giving what they could, no matter how small.


Together we can do the impossible!!!


Help us further the tools we have to take his love, word, and the gospel to all the nations!!!


With all our love,

Nathan and Charissa

The shaking of foundations

God has been doing some deep foundation shaking in the both of us for the last four months or so. 

I don't remember quite asking him to or not, but I'm not necessarily complaining either.

It's begun to make sense to me, the reason he has been working so deeply in so many areas of our hearts, namely in the area of releasing us from fears. The fear of death, pain, going without and not having enough, and fear of the unknown. He is preparing us, preparing us for who he created us to be and what he created us to do. And before we can be released into that season of our lives, he needs to rid us of our fear, because our fear would prohibit us from living in that calling to our fullest. 

The other thing that he has worked into our heart, is that he wants us to get more training. Because we will need this training for that same calling and mission. 

So here is the big news: We are entering into a nine month school of intensive study of the word. (We will still be staff here in Mexico, the school is actually here at our base.) We will go through the bible from cover to cover many times, and study it, learn to understand the culture during those times in order to better understand it, and prayerfully gain a love for his word that out-weighs those fears of death or pain, or anything else to prevent us from what he has made clear to us.

We are so excited to let him take us deeper, not just in the "study" of his word, but of knowing him deeper in relationship and letting his word soak deep into our hearts and our lives, and to transform us more into the image of our Jesus. 

Please be praying for us as we walk into this very intense season of our lives together. We want to do well and get everything that the Lord has for us in this time. 

We love you all!!!

What a ride!

Well, it's been a long time since I posted! Things got crazy before we got married, and even after!
There was a huge forest fire near the location of our wedding venue, and our honeymoon spot two days before the wedding, and God got us a place that was magnificent in time for a beautiful wedding I'll never forget! Then on our honeymoon, Nathan had a bad fall, and we spent time recovering from that. But, we had an awesome honeymoon! We got to drive up the coast and camp all the way to washington and back to Mexico! :) We also have a new kitty, which was Nathan's wedding present from me. :)

Once we got back to Mexico, it was crazy for three weeks preparing for and having a huge missions conference here, hosting 700 people! It was fun, but we are tuckered out! :)


Things are about to go back to a normal pace, which is going to be nice, and we are learning to adjust to married life and our new roles here.

God has done a lot of work in our hearts in the last few months, through books and relationships, and we are learning and growing so much.

I hope to be reguarly posting on here again all the time, now that things aren't so hectic. I've missed you all! :)


Here are some pics to enjoy from the last few months. :)

The book and its cover

One week ago, a man that I have lived and worked with for over a year, passed away suddenly. This will be a very raw post.

I am tired of being anything less than real, so this post is going to have some of the most genuine and possibly offensive truths that I’ve ever laid out.

The truth is, I misjudged him. He was my friend, yes. But, as I have discovered, we can often be most critical of those that are closest to us.

You see, in a place where we all pour out and give so much to serve our Lord and those in this beautiful country of Mexico, if you perceive someone on your team to be giving less than the “norm” or what is expected, it can be hard to not find yourself frustrated.

When I met Joshua over a year ago, I noticed the pace at which Joshua moved was less than average. I racked it up to be that Joshua was just one of those people who took his sweet time getting where he wanted to be, and doing what he wanted to do.

It really wasn’t a big deal to me, then. Until as I began to work more with Joshua, in the kitchen or on projects, I could become frustrated with how slowly he moved. It always felt like I was doing four times the work he was, and even though I often tried to just let it go, slowly something in my heart began to sneak up on me, that would deem him as lazy.

As time went by, I noticed Joshua moving slower and slower, I would watch him walk up the hill every day at such a slow pace that it would be hard to watch.

More and more I noticed that he would leave work early or come to work late. And in my heart, more and more that critical spirit labeled him things that most people would probably have agreed with. About two weeks ago, I had one of the most critical thoughts I had ever had about Joshua, this man that I called my friend, that I had laughed with and shared many stories with. This man that I’d worked so closely with for over a year. As we worked in the kitchen and he moved so slowly to cut the lettuce for our lunch, I remember thinking, “Why don’t they just send him home? He obviously doesn’t want to be here. He is a weak link in our team. We all pour out so much, and we need people who are giving their all.”

That was one of the last times I ever saw Joshua.

After a support-raising weekend, I came home and got up early on a Tuesday morning, came to work and joined in on our daily meetings here at YWAM, Mexico.

My fellow staff members seemed very solemn, we were worshipping, when I saw our base leader crying and hugging another staff member, I turned to Nathan and said, “did something happen?” He told me what he had just discovered as well, “Joshua died of a heart failure, he had an enlarged heart. His oxygen level was only 70 percent. ”

My surprise overtook me, and then, my guilt, and then my anger… “WHY DIDN’T WE KNOW HE WAS SICK?” Oh, the signs were so obvious…

As the next few minutes unfolded, the surprise and the guilt only grew. I would come to find out, that Joshua knew the whole time, that he was sick, and probably also knew as well, that he was dying. But he never told any of us.

We lived with him, we worked with him, we laughed with him, but we actually came to find out, that we knew very little about him.

About the struggle he’s endured alone for years.

A couple days later, we would hear a story that made things make so much sense.

A good friend, Rally would speak to his brother in Nigeria, and for the first time we would hear a story that fit pieces of the puzzle together, in a way I never thought would happen.

When Joshua was 5 years old, he lost his mother. When he was 11 years old, his father also passed away. It was only his older brother and him for a long time. Joshua led his older brother to the Lord, and after that shared his dream of serving the Lord as a missionary. His target: Mexico.

Joshua began to have heart issues, and when he went to the doctor, the doctor explained the seriousness of his condition. But he wouldn’t be stopped. He took the medicine, but refused to let it keep him from the mission field.

His older brother pleaded with him to stay, but Joshua loved the Lord. When his brother was adamant about him not leaving Nigeria, Joshua snuck away, once in Mexico, he called his brother to let him know where he had gone. His brother wept and told us, “That was the moment I knew that Joshua loved God more than he loved me” And that was the moment, that I realized, Joshua loved God more than he loved his own body.

As months passed, I could see that Joshua was moving slower and slower, things that he used to do with ease, he did with what seemed to be all he could muster up in his energy. But I was blind, we were blind.

For whatever reason Joshua chose not to let his YWAM family in on his suffering must have stemmed from the same reason that he never told us of the many sufferings he sustained in his life. The man that I thought I knew was not the man he turned out to be at all.

The revelation I had during the memorial as we were read his story, and as the shock of what he had been going through health-wise began to make more sense. I realized something very precious that led me to repentance and many tears…

This is a story of the widows might.

That familiar story in the bible, that Jesus tells us of the rich men that gave quite a bit, and a lonely widow, who I can imagine slowly moving up the altar to give her few copper coins. And how my Jesus blew our minds when he showed us the truth of this story… That woman gave more than those men combined. Why? Because, she gave all that she had.

I began to think, when have I ever given all that I had to serve God even when I couldn’t breathe? Or through physical pain and tiredness that I can only imagine?

From the outside it might appear that I, and many of us, worked harder than he did. But truly, he surpassed us. And now he is in his glory with the king.

This has taught me many things, but one of the things that in my guilt and repentance I have sought to change in myself the most, is to not judge those around me, but to love.

I wish with all my heart that I could have loved him better, bore his burdens more, and most of all not judged him.

Things are not as they seem. There was once a time that I thought Joshua was the last person here that I could have learned from, and to my surprise, I have learned more from him than anyone.

This is a quote from Joshua, which he wrote on his facebook status on May 23^rd.

“The strongest people are those that love beyond all faults. Cry behind closed doors. And fight battles that nobody knows about”

For whatever reason, he believed what he was doing was right. Even when he felt those around him judging him, even when we put more work on him than he probably could have handled. In his loneliness, he was not lonely. He found his identity in his father, and drew his strength from him.

Goodbye my friend, thank you for what you have taught me. May I see people for what is truth under what is perceived, may I love beyond all faults. May I perceive when people cry behind closed doors and help them to fight the battles nobody knows about. I love you.

Thirsty

I got back from leading our two month mission trip for the January DTS, and tried to settle back into the beautiful life of missions I live here in Mexico.

Weeks went by, and I went through the motions, day after day. Little did I realize my heart was dried up, little did I realize just how hungry and thirsty I was for my father in heaven.

As a missionary, this is the biggest mistake we make. We pour and pour and sometimes forget to take a sip ourselves. How many times must I learn this lesson?

I started noticing my lack of passion in the last couple weeks, but it didn't even go through my brain that maybe something was wrong. So I just kept going through the motions... I serve that cup of cold water because it is what I do, but I was losing the passion in the serving of it.

Until two nights ago, when my daddy so graciously spoke to me... "You are thirsty"

OH... sweet words to hear from my papa. To realize all I needed was him. So there I sat in his presence after a simple prayer "give me a heart of flesh again instead of this heart of stone... this heart that I have let dry up."

I don't want to just do missions because I know it's what he loves. I don't want to feed someone who is hungry because I ought to. NO. I want to do it because it would hurt me more NOT to. That my daddy's heart would pound inside of my own chest for all those that I see.
That his passion would ooze through my pores to love the way he loves.

And there is only one way to have your heart aligned in that way with the father... Spending time with his presence... Being soaked in his love for me until there I can do nothing more but pour him out again.


Daddy, help me not forget this again.

The arrow of truth

Having finished up sixth week of outreach, and coming to Jamaica to finish out this two month long mission, I truly have no idea where to start to tell you of the things that God has done.

I think the biggest thing that has changed inside of me in the last two months, is realizing where my strength comes from, not only my strength, but my every breath.

The conditions that we've lived in the last two months have tested where we truly draw our strength and love from. Bathing in rivers, and only a couple hours of sleep a night at times among other things,  eventually starts to wear on you.

As a leader I have discovered that you cannot make 16 people happy all at the same time. (Maybe that comes as a surprise to some people, hehe) Some will love the pace of ministry and work while it's killing the other half. Some may be so excited about a certain meal while others would rather die than eat it. Some may think your decision on something is right while others think you're a lunatic. But, inevitably I have been tested with my identity. Where do I draw my identity from? From what others think of me, or from my father in heaven? This has been a beautiful growing experience for me, to learn how to hear the Lord's voice and follow it no matter what that makes others think.

Yes, I'm growing up :)

I want to share a picture with you

This is a picture I took of one of my students and a homeless man. We were cleaning up the beach and picking up trash, when my student felt that she was to go tell this man that Jesus loved him. 

She approached him and said, "sir, I just felt that I was supposed to come and tell you that Jesus loves you very much. 

The man smiled slowly and said, "I know him... He is my friend"

My student, admittedly a little confused said to him "but, do you know he gave his life for you? Have you accepted him into your heart? Have you given him your life?"

The man smiled bigger now, and said: "My dear... I know him. I talk to him all the time. He gives me MY life."

The student walked away from him and came up to me with tears in her eyes... "I've never had as much Joy as that man... And he has nothing." I smiled, because I know this mans secret... It is the secret I have learned myself... The secret Paul learned and spoke so fondly of.

The Joy of knowing the saviour, truly knowing him. Speaking to him often, drawing our energy, strength, love from Him.

It is how one can be content with any food, any clothing, any climate. To be rich or poor, to be hungry or fed.. The secret is that it's not about any of the things of this world, but the one our hearts were made for. The Joy of knowing our Lord. I promise you that this is not a fairytale.

There is a love that is so strong, a bond between the saviour and you that is so real and intense, that being free or in prison is no matter, no earthly circumstances can shake the Joy. 

It is what our hearts were made for.

I encourage you to talk to the one that brings Joy that surpasses circumstance as often as you can today, and tomorrow... and the next day. You were made for him, to walk with him and share this life with him. You will never see the beauty of that secret until you become more intimate with him. 

He loves you. 

Outreach craziness

Wow, I can't believe that it's already been three weeks in Costa Rica!!

God has done some AMAZING things already, but the best part is watching my students being transformed more and more each day.
We just got home from the mountains, where we served at a kids camp for a week. We were able to work on one of the cabins, and bless the camp in that, as well as work with the kids and show them more about Jesus and his love. :)

I'd like to share three short videos of some of the miracles that we've already seen so far on outreach! They can be viewed here:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hobmro8splvvzje/IMG_2236.MOV

https://www.dropbox.com/s/t75bffyssaumt13/IMG_2266.MOV

https://www.dropbox.com/s/3j93pl6jg63q8j2/IMG_2277.MOV

This next week we are going to a small village in the mountains. VERY excited to see what God has in store for us and for those we get to show his love to!

Thanks for all your supoprt and love!!!

Outreach

We've been in Costa Rica for almost a week now, and it's been crazy amazing!

We've been working with the YWAM base here to fulfill a vision they have over Costa Rica.
They have a heart to put a bible in every single home in the country.

So our team has been going door to door, and praying for people after we give them a bible.

So far, five people have been healed!!! One person was blind in one eye, another had a limp from breaking their leg three times in the same place, two of them had stomach pain, and the last one was a woman who couldn't breathe well since having a heart attack!


We serve a powerful God!!


It's been so beautiful to watch our team growing closer in love and doing things that bless our fathers heart!! :)

Here are some pictures of what we've been doing!

Nathan Goode

Well, as many of you know, I am engaged! I would like to take some time out and share with you the story of the wonderful guy that I'm going to marry. :)

I met Nathan April 23 of 2012, while doing an oureach here in Mexico. We became friends and discovered more and more how similar of hearts we have for the Lord and for life.

On September 25th we officialy began "courting" after FINALLY revealing our feelings for each other that we'd been keeping secret. ;)

Then on March 26th, he got down on one knee, and proposed to me on the same field we had our first dance. :)

I am so thankful to the Lord for bringing me a man with the same heart as mine to serve and love him with everything that we are. To go wherever he calls us, and lay our lives down for the sake of our king.

This is the beginning of a very great adventure with our father!

The adventure continues! But, now there are two. :)

Love

I heard it said that I could speak in the tongues of men and angels, but that I would just be noise if I didn't have love...

I heard it said that I could have the gift of Prophecy, seeing things nobody else sees, understanding deep spiritual things and knowing all there is to know, but that if I didn't have love, it meant nothing. 

I heard it said that I could have the greatest faith of anyone, even great enough to move a mountain from it's place and throw it into the sea, or to raise the dead, and heal the sick, but if I didn't have love... It would be for nothing. 

I heard it said that I could give everything I own to the poor, but that if I didn't have love, I gain nothing. 

I heard it said that I could be martyred for my faith, give my body to the flames, but if I didn't have love, it was all for nothing.

I am guessing, that love is more important. 

Love is being patient. Patient with those around you, not lashing out, not reacting to situations with anxiety, but calmness. 

Love doesn't want or envy what isn't theirs.

Love doesn't know pride, or think too highly of oneself. 

Love doesn't behave rudely, or unkind. In every situation, even stressful situation, even when people are getting under our skin, it is kind and doesn't lash out or speak unkindly. 

Love is not selfish, nor does it seek it's own. Love thinks of others before itself, and gives wholeheartedly. 

Love is not easily angered or provoked, doesn't lose it's temper. 

Love thinks the best of people, and doesn't judge.

Love doesn't think the worst, but rejoices in the truth.

Love can bear all things, and believes all things, and hopes all things, and endures everything. 

Love does not fail.

But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part.  But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

This same person said this:

 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

And so I now will put away childish things, and learn the most excellent way... A love that my savior walked in. Those other things are amazing things to see and to do, but I see how clearly I have missed the point if I forget love.

I see how damaging it would be if I walked in the greatness of those other things, but forgot the foundation of love... 

Love must be my foundation.