Properly mixed...

I am sitting here tonight wondering about how I will ever re-inter grate into the life that I had before. How do you do that when you've lived outside of it for so long?

I have finally realized some of what I was feeling the last time I was at home for an extended period of time... All the unease I was feeling and why I couldn't just slide back in...

I have made friends here in China that I love more than I thought I ever could... And I see how their lives are... How little they have... The struggles they face that most of us rarely face in our lifetime... And I think.... How am I ever going to be able to forget that the world is full of people like them? That we, in our little Orange county bubble, often fail to realize exist.

How can I go back to living a normal life after seeing so much? I want to... I do want to go back to the life I knew... I miss it. I miss my family, I miss my friends.... I miss In N out and the beach... I miss smelling like nice perfume, and having beautiful make-up to wear. I miss going shopping, and playing music at Starbucks with my best friends... I miss my life...

But I think about going back to it... And I feel sick in my stomach.... Like I'm turning my back on those I love here... Like I'm taking the get out of jail free card and abandoning those that are so dear to me. I don't even know if that makes sense... I guess in some weird way I have inter-grated into them... my heart has become one with these people... They feel like family... and leaving feels like walking out on them.

It's such a strange feeling I get...I can't even describe it. It's like I'm sitting over a friend that is dying and there is nothing in the world that I can do for them... What has happened has happened... But I can't walk away from them and leave them to it. Even though there isn't much I can do staying with them either.... Except to love them.

What does one do with this? What can I really do for them by staying? There really isn't much I can do to change their lives... Some (and not because of their own stubbornness but because of their conditioning) don't want anything to do with what I have to offer. But, I've fallen in love with them. I can't just turn away now. Can't just leave them to sink alone.

Is that enough or a purpose for me? Enough of a mission? Enough of a reason to sacrifice the life I had? Simply to add as much happiness to another's life as possible... To ease a small bit of the stress they feel from their suffering? Nothing life changing, nothing worthy of remembrance in the worlds eye... My drive is simply to see my friends smile... However I can bring that about. Joking with them, talking with them, looking stupid for them... To be to a few people that the world will never know or care that exists, a reason to smile, someone to talk to, someone who sees them...

It is nothing remarkable. It is nothing anyone would ever base a movie or book off of. It isn't spectacular by any means. Some may see it as worthless, or a waste of time or a life. It is so very normal. So very simple. So very ordinary. So very little. But maybe, maybe it's what the world needs more than spectacular. Just a little bit of ordinary love.

I am aware of the hundred years that it has been since I've written a post.

I have been extremely busy learning Chinese, being with Chinese people, AND enjoying my new job singing and playing my guitar in a pub. How do I get so lucky?

It's been cold here in Beijing for a while now, but this last week has really warmed up, and I am thankful. It snowed yesterday, and the temperature was bearable enough to enjoy the beautiful snow.

cold weather is not all bad though, I have my own personal refrigerator in my room because of it.

There is the inner window and the outer window and they freeze when put between them. It's incredible.

My Chinese is going fabulous, mostly because I never speak English cause I don't have any foreigner friends, or Chinese friends who speak English. It does however present a problem... Because I have been forgetting ALOT of English words. The other day, my Chinese friend Li Wen Tao asked me how to say the months in the year. So I begin, "January, February, UEuuuu...........uh....... January, February,.......... uhhhhhhh.... 三月!!!! And then my integration into a Chinese person became even worse when I was too embarrassed to admit I had forgotten how to say March (save face) that I pretended that I knew... "January, February, month 3, April, May...."

And the madness, it continues... When referring to myself I often point straight at my nose. It feels natural...

I will fight and bargain the price down for one kuai (ten cents).

I often begin a statement by putting my index finger in the air and STREEEETCHING out my tones.

Chinese people all look VERY different, and I am beggining to feel all foreigners look the same

My thoughts are often all thought in Chinese

There isn't an ounce of self consciousness in spitting my bones out onto the table, or blowing my nose in front of everyone.

When a foreigner enters the pub, I am standing right next to the Chinese waitresses staring at them oh so rudely in fascination.... Then guessing which country they're from, and discussing their attire, and countries circumstances right in front of them, cause after all, foreigners don't speak Chinese.

I have used the English dictionary five times while writing this to remember words like "circumstances", "integration", "attire", and "index finger" And to make sure that I was right that san yue is really "March"

I have been teaching guitar to anyone who wants to learn, and that has been a highlight in my life. This picture is of my latest student, and she is a QUICK learner. It's such a joy to see my Chinese friends enjoying music as much as I do.

I've gotten very close with all the Chinese people at the pub. They're all my age, and super awesome. After work we go out to eat together, and hang out. It's quite an awesome little community and I can't dream of leaving them.

In a lot of ways this time is better than the last time I lived in China. I am not sure what the difference is this time, maybe cause I am playing music, and really understanding Chinese and therefore getting to know the Chinese people deeper. But, they have my heart, that's for sure.

How am I ever going to be able to be normal again?