Properly mixed...

I am sitting here tonight wondering about how I will ever re-inter grate into the life that I had before. How do you do that when you've lived outside of it for so long?

I have finally realized some of what I was feeling the last time I was at home for an extended period of time... All the unease I was feeling and why I couldn't just slide back in...

I have made friends here in China that I love more than I thought I ever could... And I see how their lives are... How little they have... The struggles they face that most of us rarely face in our lifetime... And I think.... How am I ever going to be able to forget that the world is full of people like them? That we, in our little Orange county bubble, often fail to realize exist.

How can I go back to living a normal life after seeing so much? I want to... I do want to go back to the life I knew... I miss it. I miss my family, I miss my friends.... I miss In N out and the beach... I miss smelling like nice perfume, and having beautiful make-up to wear. I miss going shopping, and playing music at Starbucks with my best friends... I miss my life...

But I think about going back to it... And I feel sick in my stomach.... Like I'm turning my back on those I love here... Like I'm taking the get out of jail free card and abandoning those that are so dear to me. I don't even know if that makes sense... I guess in some weird way I have inter-grated into them... my heart has become one with these people... They feel like family... and leaving feels like walking out on them.

It's such a strange feeling I get...I can't even describe it. It's like I'm sitting over a friend that is dying and there is nothing in the world that I can do for them... What has happened has happened... But I can't walk away from them and leave them to it. Even though there isn't much I can do staying with them either.... Except to love them.

What does one do with this? What can I really do for them by staying? There really isn't much I can do to change their lives... Some (and not because of their own stubbornness but because of their conditioning) don't want anything to do with what I have to offer. But, I've fallen in love with them. I can't just turn away now. Can't just leave them to sink alone.

Is that enough or a purpose for me? Enough of a mission? Enough of a reason to sacrifice the life I had? Simply to add as much happiness to another's life as possible... To ease a small bit of the stress they feel from their suffering? Nothing life changing, nothing worthy of remembrance in the worlds eye... My drive is simply to see my friends smile... However I can bring that about. Joking with them, talking with them, looking stupid for them... To be to a few people that the world will never know or care that exists, a reason to smile, someone to talk to, someone who sees them...

It is nothing remarkable. It is nothing anyone would ever base a movie or book off of. It isn't spectacular by any means. Some may see it as worthless, or a waste of time or a life. It is so very normal. So very simple. So very ordinary. So very little. But maybe, maybe it's what the world needs more than spectacular. Just a little bit of ordinary love.