Dark night of the soul.

If I were you, I wouldn't go into this post thinking it will make sense.

I am listening to Explosions in the sky. They always make me reflect. They may even be making me unwillingly think.

Another of these dreaded nights, where I lay awake and try not to be overtaken by my emotions.

I am glad that these nights are few and far between, but when they do decide to plague me, they bring a fright that I am never prepared to deal with. Nights where I lay awake and am face to face with the deepest hurts and fears of my soul.

Why do these nights suddenly strike? And without warning?

What happened in my day that brought me to this place? What reminded me of you? (what doesn't remind me of you) ?

Oh, yes....

I sang your song today... I let your memory settle in my mind as I sang out of loving and missing you. Oh, it felt innocent enough... But, there you are. There you are now. And I feel it like an old ache.... Always with you, ever-present. Sometimes almost, but never forgotten.

It's much like waking up in a nightmare, the day that something like that happens. You never seem to wake up from it.... You just learn to live in the nightmare. After a while, you may forget it's a nightmare.... But you never seem to go back to the level of innocence that you once lived in.

They said time would heal it. I admit the pain has dulled, but yet, there it is. So easy to access.

What time has done however, is taken me further from you. I remember right after and for a while after... being able to feel you still. The warmth of your arms around me. And the smell of your hair as you held me crying. The sound of your voice as you spoke light into the dark. Time has taken that from me.

I close my eyes and try so hard to remember your warm skin, and I feel nothing but the coldness of my lost memory. No smell. No sound. lost.

I do not cry because I am uncertain of where you are or that we will meet again. I cry because there is a certain sadness in the time I must now spend without you here. I cry (like a tantrum more than anything) as I look forward to what I will face in the next 70 years or so... not just being without the three of you. But, the sure knowledge of the many more pains that I will face in this world. The many more hurts and disappointments that this life will offer.

The frustrations of this life... I cry as I dread those.

These nights when none of your normal pain relievers will offer you relief.

When normally I might be able to write in my journal or write a song, I find it hard to express the word laying at the bottom of my soul. I find it frustrating that words cannot express the feelings I feel. I don't think there is a sound in any language that could bear the weight of loss.

No assortment of pretty vocabulary (or ugly for that matter) could come close to releasing this burden. No, words will fail.

I would run... Run miles... Run so hard that I couldn't help but be still after I'd finished. To drain all my energy out so that there would be none left to think of these things with.

But no, on these nights.... There isn't even the strength to put a foot in front of the other to begin... No, there is no strength for that. But the emotion still overwhelms me... It seems to have its own strength, but it won't share it with my flesh. No. It won't allow me the option of ridding myself of it.

There is nothing I want to do. Nothing I want to say. Nothing I want to hear. I just want relief.

The emotion is built up, and I lay writhing in my bed as I beg for release.

I never thought it possible to have such an overload of emotion. To be afraid of breaking from it. Though I have taken to heart David's words that Joy comes in the morning.

I think he was saying.... Stick it out. Don't be swallowed by this feeling. Don't let it consume you. Hold on as long as you can... get through this dark night... The morning brings new hope. The morning brings perspective.

And so I lay here. And I try to talk to God.

I begin to speak, "God- Just, hold me....... Tak-" And then, I realize I don't have the words. I don't even know what I need. I don't know what to say to him. Words fail. Words never had the power to carry out thoughts of this kind.

These are screams. These are groanings. But not of an audible kind.

This kind of mourning has no sound. One is totally deflated. The energy to manifest it's pain is non-existent. If you looked at a creature in this agony he might seem asleep.

It is silent. The battle is being waged deeper than the skin and muscle, deeper than the bones,

in the very spirit.

I lie here and do not say a word to my creator. I have no interest tonight in babbling on at him. Not one word I have ever heard uttered could explain to him what I need. That word was never created. Even if it were, I wouldn't know what it was I needed in the first place. Every path I begin to walk down in my mind has me stopping two feet in, as I realize that it indeed is the wrong answer to my question.

So I lay here. Silent. Believing that my Lord could heal the wound in me I don't see or understand. The wound I have no name or sound for. Believe that without even knowing fully why I am hurting, that he can make me new.

And I wait for morning.

True love and Beauty

Thoughts on this have been swirling around my heart for some time now.

Why don't many marriages last...

Why do some insanely beautiful souls find themselves alone...

Why do we often choose a partner that isn't right for us...

Why is attraction so important...

What does any of it have to do with the meaning of life, and our immortal souls?

How do I even start?

I will begin with a story.

I know a girl, a beautiful soul. She is sweet, kind, Soft-spoken, passionate, loving to all those she meets, and can see those people that are so often unseen.

She looks perfect on paper, every mans dream girl.

But, for many of us, if we saw her we wouldn't notice her. She is often not given a second glance. She is scenery to most people.

No man has looked at her with love in his eyes, or romance in his heart.

This girl is not by this worlds standards, "beautiful".

Some may look at her and label her "ugly".

She wasn't blessed with attractive features, or soft and smooth skin.

Nothing about her physical appearance is attractive.

And not many people have dared to venture past that which they've seen on the surface, to discover that she is one of the most beautiful women this world will ever know.

I will tell you another story:

There is a girl, who has loved a man she doesn't know. In her mind he is perfect. He is perfect, because he is beautiful. He is "her type" and she believes as she has for years, that if they were together, they would have the perfect love.

This same girl knows another man. He is everything she needs. He makes her laugh, and has deep conversations with her about God, life, happiness, and everything that is important.

He is kind, caring, compassionate, trustworthy, and everything that she doesn't realize she needs.

She will never look at him as anything more than her buddy, because he isn't attractive by this worlds standards.

ATTRACTION:

What is attraction?

Well, attraction has many different sides. There is spiritual attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction, and probably a few others.

I've discovered that many of us wouldn't dig any deeper into another persons being if we were not first physically attracted.

Many of us have excused this shallowness by saying how important attraction really is.

Even in the Christian world, we have come to the belief that God would want us to be attracted to our spouse.

I am also aware that there is also the human instinct in us to desire to mate with an attractive partner so that our offspring is beautiful. Also, some things we find ourselves attracted to have everything to do with our biological makeup and health, etc. to ensure our offspring the best chance possible at survival, etc. etc.

(Please understand, that if anyone is afflicted with this, I am. Hence the reason these are revelations that I've been having).

But, I've begun to ask myself.... What does it have to do with anything?

What does it have to TRULY do with any little thing that is important?

It's such a fleshly desire. Such a fleshly affliction.

We are not the skin that contains us. We are spiritual beings bound in a shell that does not reflect the soul within.

When we leave this world, who we were under this skin will finally be visible to the eye.

I could see the most beautiful person in the world and the ugliest, in this place we call heaven, stripped of the shell, and I could see that the positions would be reversed.

Because, who we are has nothing to do with how we look, or dress, or smell.

We spend so much time working on the outside of our shell instead of the soul within.

When I am stripped of my shell, what will people see? Who will I be? What actual worth will I have?

What's really interesting to know, is that our father in heaven already sees us for what we truly are.

What does he see when he sees me?

How have I worked on my true self in comparison to the time and effort I've spent in front of a mirror or in a gym?

These are questions we should all be asking ourselves, considering they are the most important ones.

This of course had me begin thinking of marriage and love.

I think of how many people have married their spouses because of that initial attraction and infatuation, "Eros" love.

What happens when that flame burns out? When the passion that sustained them is gone and all that is left is the two beings underneath all of that emotion.

Were you compatible? Did you see the world in the same light? Did you have a genuine love for WHO that person was? Did you have the same spiritual desires? Did you even really like who they were at all?

I can't even count the amount of people I have known who realized they didn't even have anything in common with their spouse. That they didn't even know who they were inside. That they didn't even really have an affection for that persons personality. That there wasn't even a true friendship there. That they weren't even right for each other.

And it has me thinking...…

We are in love with love. We are in love with "Eros"

We often marry because we are burning with passion, and infatuation.

We often try to find someone that we can live WITH, rather than finding someone we couldn't live without.

I don't think we see marriage for what it is... A lifelong commitment to a person, to stay with them no matter what happens.

Because, if we did... Don't you think that we would be more careful with whom we chose?

I have never met a person that I would want to connect myself with for my entire life. Someone I liked and enjoyed so much that I would desire to never be without them, EXCEPT for my friends.

I find that interesting. That so many of us can go a whole lifetime with the same friends, but not the same spouse.

Could it be because the standard by which we choose our friends is different from that which we choose our spouse?

We seem to choose our friends by wether or not they are compatible with us. Wether or not we enjoy their company even when we're doing nothing, even when we are broke or sick.

We don't rush into life-long commitments with friends. It usually comes along naturally.

An acquaintance turns into a friend, and after time has tested your compatibility and general enjoyment of one another, it turns into a deeper and deeper affection that often surpasses social status, financial status, physical appearance, mood, grief, and life's ups and downs.

The natural process is not usually rushed, or pressured, or climbing the emotional peaks faster than is natural to do. We seem to be more content to be where we are for as long as we need before progressing to a new emotional height or experience than we're ready for.

This is how I see our culture. We are so over-excited to climb to a new emotional level in relationships, that we aren't often actually ready to go there. We are in love with being in love. We are in love with the idea more than we are in love with the person that we are running down the aisle with.

And then, ten years goes by, and passion has faded. Our physical appearance may have become a very different thing than it had been, and we are left with a person that we have bound ourselves for life to, that we don't even really know.

I know that the divorce rate isn't simply because of not choosing correctly, but is also because we do not understand commitment. And we do not respect the seriousness of a promise. But that is a whole different blog...

I have a tendency for extremes. You may have already realized that in reading this. But, doesn't it make any sense at all in the least bit?

I know it isn't true of all people, but I think it's definitely true of a majority of people.

So I thought about attraction, and I thought about love. And I thought....

What does attraction have to do with true love?

True love surpasses the years of our beauty. True love is still there when the face that was once young and beautiful has become wrinkled and unrecognizable. Because true love loved the person under the shell. True love loved the soul of the person it's beholding.

So then, what should it have to do with it in the beginning?

What if the perfect person for you, the one you will love your whole life, isn't attractive?

Shouldn't we be searching for the person that is compatible with our soul?

Most of us don't choose a friend only because they are attractive (even if they aren't kind to us, or even if we have nothing in common). Most of us would rather have a friend that is all the qualities we are looking for and are important to us, regardless of their physical appearance.

Do you see the connection?

I don't want to be afflicted with this anymore. I want to be able to see past physical appearance and into the soul of a man, and choose based on that.

I want to have a true love.

I don't want to be a statistic of divorce.

I want to be free of this affliction.

I want to see the beauty past the skin that holds the souls that are walking this earth.

I want to love the souls of those around me regardless of appearance.

I want to be like my savior; to see those that are unseen, to love those that are unloved.

To be a friend to the lonely.

I don't want to see with my fleshly eyes anymore.... Cause I'm missing out.

Justin Beiber

Forgive me.

I have so many thoughts running through my head regarding this young man. And I've tried so hard to just keep my conviction to myself, and not push it on anyone else. But the more I try, the harder it has gotten.

I'm not trying to bash anyone, or make anyone feel that I am judging them. I don't want to give off a "holier than thou" impression. I just have a strong conviction that I can't keep silent about anymore.

I can't go a few days without hearing some kind of joke made at Justin's expense. Some are more innocent than others. Some are seriously offensive.

The thing that I have a hard time with, is that this boy is a human being, with feelings. I'm sure he can see all these youtube videos and comments all over the web.

While we may think it's innocent teasing, few of us would find the humor in it if this was directed at us.

A few thoughts on Justin:

Yes, he may be quite ignorant. He may say things that are simply laughable. He may think he's all that (which, from what I can tell is one thing that many people have a problem with).

He may not be the worlds most amazing musician. You may simply despise his sound.

But, here's the thing... I am so glad that there weren't a thousand camera's on me at that awkward time in my life. I can remember in my teenage years times that I was so arrogant and ignorant. Times I simply wish I couldn't remember 'cause of the sheer embarrassment of how awkward and ridiculous I was.

Why do so many people find enjoyment in tearing that boy down?

Why do we enjoy the humor that brings others pain?

He may just be a face to alot of people. Maybe people forget that he really is a person who hears these things said about him.

But, this brings me to the real point that I want to bring up...

What are we as Christians doing participating in it?

What about it is loving our neighbor?

It's the furthest thing from love I can think of.

People who read this may think I'm taking it too seriously. But, I just can't see this kid Justin not being affected by the things being said about him. I can't see that it wouldn't hurt his feelings. That this wouldn't possibly send him into some kind of emotional turmoil.

How can he believe that Christians are loving when we are participating in the kind of joking about him that is circulating?

I just want to challenge us to look within ourselves, and to question our motives as to why we would participate in this kind of thing. Is the love of Christ flowing out of us through it? or are we being hypocrites? I feel like we're being two-faced. Claiming we love Christ and then picking on someone that Christ loves very much.

And one that truly irritates me, is that, if everyone wasn't making fun of this kid, would we be doing it? Are you being a victim of "group think"?

It makes me think of Christ and the crowd screaming to crucify him. What had he ever done to the crowd but heal and feed them? Why is the human race so thirsty to see the demise of another? Why do we so easily go with the crowd despite our conviction? Despite what we know is right? Why are so freaking scared to be the few that stand in opposition to the majority?

If the world wasn't laughing at him, would you have even have noticed him at all?

What is motivating you?

Can't we find humor in things that don't humiliate a person?

I'm ok with everyone thinking that I've gone overboard on this subject.

I'm ok with standing by my convictions despite the unpopularity.

Aren't you?

Properly mixed...

I am sitting here tonight wondering about how I will ever re-inter grate into the life that I had before. How do you do that when you've lived outside of it for so long?

I have finally realized some of what I was feeling the last time I was at home for an extended period of time... All the unease I was feeling and why I couldn't just slide back in...

I have made friends here in China that I love more than I thought I ever could... And I see how their lives are... How little they have... The struggles they face that most of us rarely face in our lifetime... And I think.... How am I ever going to be able to forget that the world is full of people like them? That we, in our little Orange county bubble, often fail to realize exist.

How can I go back to living a normal life after seeing so much? I want to... I do want to go back to the life I knew... I miss it. I miss my family, I miss my friends.... I miss In N out and the beach... I miss smelling like nice perfume, and having beautiful make-up to wear. I miss going shopping, and playing music at Starbucks with my best friends... I miss my life...

But I think about going back to it... And I feel sick in my stomach.... Like I'm turning my back on those I love here... Like I'm taking the get out of jail free card and abandoning those that are so dear to me. I don't even know if that makes sense... I guess in some weird way I have inter-grated into them... my heart has become one with these people... They feel like family... and leaving feels like walking out on them.

It's such a strange feeling I get...I can't even describe it. It's like I'm sitting over a friend that is dying and there is nothing in the world that I can do for them... What has happened has happened... But I can't walk away from them and leave them to it. Even though there isn't much I can do staying with them either.... Except to love them.

What does one do with this? What can I really do for them by staying? There really isn't much I can do to change their lives... Some (and not because of their own stubbornness but because of their conditioning) don't want anything to do with what I have to offer. But, I've fallen in love with them. I can't just turn away now. Can't just leave them to sink alone.

Is that enough or a purpose for me? Enough of a mission? Enough of a reason to sacrifice the life I had? Simply to add as much happiness to another's life as possible... To ease a small bit of the stress they feel from their suffering? Nothing life changing, nothing worthy of remembrance in the worlds eye... My drive is simply to see my friends smile... However I can bring that about. Joking with them, talking with them, looking stupid for them... To be to a few people that the world will never know or care that exists, a reason to smile, someone to talk to, someone who sees them...

It is nothing remarkable. It is nothing anyone would ever base a movie or book off of. It isn't spectacular by any means. Some may see it as worthless, or a waste of time or a life. It is so very normal. So very simple. So very ordinary. So very little. But maybe, maybe it's what the world needs more than spectacular. Just a little bit of ordinary love.

I am aware of the hundred years that it has been since I've written a post.

I have been extremely busy learning Chinese, being with Chinese people, AND enjoying my new job singing and playing my guitar in a pub. How do I get so lucky?

It's been cold here in Beijing for a while now, but this last week has really warmed up, and I am thankful. It snowed yesterday, and the temperature was bearable enough to enjoy the beautiful snow.

cold weather is not all bad though, I have my own personal refrigerator in my room because of it.

There is the inner window and the outer window and they freeze when put between them. It's incredible.

My Chinese is going fabulous, mostly because I never speak English cause I don't have any foreigner friends, or Chinese friends who speak English. It does however present a problem... Because I have been forgetting ALOT of English words. The other day, my Chinese friend Li Wen Tao asked me how to say the months in the year. So I begin, "January, February, UEuuuu...........uh....... January, February,.......... uhhhhhhh.... 三月!!!! And then my integration into a Chinese person became even worse when I was too embarrassed to admit I had forgotten how to say March (save face) that I pretended that I knew... "January, February, month 3, April, May...."

And the madness, it continues... When referring to myself I often point straight at my nose. It feels natural...

I will fight and bargain the price down for one kuai (ten cents).

I often begin a statement by putting my index finger in the air and STREEEETCHING out my tones.

Chinese people all look VERY different, and I am beggining to feel all foreigners look the same

My thoughts are often all thought in Chinese

There isn't an ounce of self consciousness in spitting my bones out onto the table, or blowing my nose in front of everyone.

When a foreigner enters the pub, I am standing right next to the Chinese waitresses staring at them oh so rudely in fascination.... Then guessing which country they're from, and discussing their attire, and countries circumstances right in front of them, cause after all, foreigners don't speak Chinese.

I have used the English dictionary five times while writing this to remember words like "circumstances", "integration", "attire", and "index finger" And to make sure that I was right that san yue is really "March"

I have been teaching guitar to anyone who wants to learn, and that has been a highlight in my life. This picture is of my latest student, and she is a QUICK learner. It's such a joy to see my Chinese friends enjoying music as much as I do.

I've gotten very close with all the Chinese people at the pub. They're all my age, and super awesome. After work we go out to eat together, and hang out. It's quite an awesome little community and I can't dream of leaving them.

In a lot of ways this time is better than the last time I lived in China. I am not sure what the difference is this time, maybe cause I am playing music, and really understanding Chinese and therefore getting to know the Chinese people deeper. But, they have my heart, that's for sure.

How am I ever going to be able to be normal again?

I think I love my students

I will be simply writing out a conversation that was had in class today. Though slightly inappropriate, too valuable not to repeat.

These are my favorite students. They are two 17 year old boys. And their English "pretty sucks"

Adam: "Teacher do you like THE Michael Jackson?"

Me: "yeah, he's cool"

Ian: "Adam can do his moonwalking"

Me: "wow, can I see?"

(Adam gets up and then shows me the moonwalk and turns and does a very Michael Jackson move....if you get my hint)

Me: "not bad....."

Adam: "Ian can also do some"

Ian: "no, I can't."

Adam: "yes you can"

Ian: "no"

me: "please Ian?"

Adam: "See? PLEASE Ian? Be a Gentlman!"

Ian: "GENTLEMAN DON'T DO THIS" (precedes to do a very Michael Jackson move"

Adam: "You aren't a gentleman, you are a playboy"

Ian: "Go to hell"

Adam: "Go to the hill?"

Ian: "GO TO HELL"

Adam: "I don't get it..."

Me: (trying not to pee my pants laughing)

Me: "Okay, stop. What do you guys want to be when you grow up?"

Adam: "terrorist"

Me: "Tourist?"

Adam: "No, terrorist"

Me: "that is not a job"

Adam "does it? Did it?"

Me: "what?"

Adam: "Teacher, do you like your body?"

Me: "what? .... Yes"

Adam: "I don't"

Me: "WHAT?"

Ian: "ADAM! Ni shuo Laoshi wo bu xi huan ni de shen ti!!!"

Adam: "I MEAN, I DON"T LIKE MY BODY"

Me: (laughing over the desk)

(10 minutes later, I notice Ian is falling asleep...... going, going, and then GONE. I give him two minutes and then I knock on the desk. He doesn't wake. I knock REALLY loud, and he jumps out of his slumber and says)

Ian: "I had a dream!"

Adam: "about your girlfriend?"

Ian: "shut up"

Me: "okay, pay attention"

(1 minute later, Ian starts a musical type knocking sequence on his desk)

Adam: "what are you doing?"

Ian: "it was in my dream"

Adam: "and your girlfriend?"

Ian: "Go to hell"

Adam: "go to the hill?"

Ian: "GO TO HELL, GO TO HELL"

me: "DON'T SAY THAT!"

Ian: "But I am filled OF ANGER."

Ada: "I don't get it...."

Snappy Rejoinders:

I read this very cute suggestion today for the questions that us foreigners are asked 10 times a day here in China. Lets spice it up a little, Right?


1. ni shi na guo ren? -where are you from?

Evasive: Guess. Where do I look like I'm from?

Nonsensical: The moon.

Exotic: Well, I live have a thailand passport, but grew up in Israel and am moving to Iceland next week.

2. Ni hui shuo hanyu ma? -can you speak chinese?

Cheeky: I can't speak any chinese whatsoever.

Modest/Moronic: I fluently speak horrible Chinese

3. Ni zuo shenme gong zuo? What kind of work do you do?

Wannabe: I am a secret agent. (Followed by a WHoooosh sound)

Liar: I'm a helicopter pilot.

4. nimen nar tianqi zenmeyang? Hows the weather in your country?

Tough. where I come from it rains bullets everyday.

5. ni de xinshui doushao? What's your salary?

Make them practice their math! "It's 10 million cents per year."

currency exchange sadist: 200 Guatemalan Quetzal per fortnight.


And finally,

How things are not exactly what they seem.

For example the phrase, "yingai mei wenti" Which is "it shouldn't be a problem"

Be on guard... on the surface the speaker calmly asserts that no problem will arise-but she/he is in fact sleuthily acknowledging that the problem will never, ever be solved.

And a variation: "wenti bu da" The problem isn't big.

It may not be big, but it will remain a problem. Assume that your wenti will remain a wenti forever, and ever, and ever.


And finally, I present to you the hardest character I have ever learned. I believe it is actually 3rd place in the list of hardest characters. It should have an equally hard/long name. Though it does not. It us pronounced "biang" and means "noodle".
It has a whopping 57 strokes and only takes 10 minutes to write. :)

Next language I learn isn't going to have tones....Or characters. I swear that.