I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said
“Love is like a role that we play.”

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

"Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

That one ache.

I only ever write when I'm sad.

Either in my journal, blog, or a song. I write when I am sad. I feel bad about that, because it appears I'm a very emotionally tortured person. But, let me assure you... I only write when I am sad, which means the rest of the time... I am very happy...

But, tonight I am sad.

I feel that old stupid ache. Wondering why life is so hard. Not for me, I am not complaining... I am feeling sad for a friend. A friend who feels that ache of life. And I don't know how to help.

I want to make it all better. Make it all go away. Make it perfect.

I wish I could be his father, and show him how proud I am of him. Wish I could be his mother, and hold him and nurture him. I wish I could be his brother, and just hang out with him. I wish I could give up what I have if it meant he'd have it.

Why does life have to be so gray? To hurt so much?

Why are there so many sad people? So many lonely people? So many people who don't even know which way to start walking.

Lord have mercy on us. Lord show us your power again. Even though we don't deserve it. Even though we don't even truly seek it out.

I know nothing. I have no answers. I have no solution for any of this. I am too, just a person who is crying out to the God in heaven to light a way out of the dark, and I believe he will answer that plea.

So I will make it:

Creator....

Mercy, mercy, mercy. I beg you for healing and purpose.

I beg you to make yourself known to this world, here and now. That you wouldn't be a still small voice, especially with those who are hurting, but that you would be the stubborn lover like with Paul, where you wouldn't let him go the way he wanted but forced him to listen with your power and glory. You didn't hide yourself or stay silent. You made yourself known. You did the same with Moses and the burning bush, and you spoke loud and clear. Poppa, please... Show my broken generation that you care about us. That you want us. That you are who you are, and that you are there. Don't be silent. Speak loud and clear. Save us from ourselves and from the pains of this world.

I need you. He needs you. They need you.

Amen

Yod, Hey, Vav, Hey

My head has been clouded all day long.

Intense pressure builds up and I find myself wishing I could crawl out of my skin.

But, then I remember to breathe.

In....... and out.......

In.........and out......

And I feel the strength to take another step.

Shall I be candid?

Today I decided that I don't want to change the world.

I don't want to do incredible things.

I have no huge aspirations anymore.

I just want simplicity. I just want to stay out of all the drama, and the war... And just have peace.

I have seen so many hypocrites. So many who judge others. Such stinginess. Such pride....

I despair at this world.

I feel that trying to change this world by talking, will never ever do a thing. How can you persuade people to see the other side when they're blinded by their pride?

And then the emotion overwhelms me...

Breathe. In...... and out.........

I cry a little... I feel so helpless.

I can see a need, but I can see no resolution. men have talked for thousands of years to try to change this world... But the core of it is still...... spoiled.

Rarely can people agree on anything. I see the very people who should be filled with love, tearing others down. Oh, but the whole world does it. We tear each other limb from limb with our words...

I wish I could just close the shades. Remove myself from it. But, wouldn't it be in my home anyway? Because this rot is in us all...

So I breathe... In and out.... In and out....

I just want to live low-profile. I don't want to lead. Leaders are so often torn apart by their followers. By the enemy. By their own pride.

I hate when people try to call out leadership in me. I don't want it. I want to be able to stay low-key.

I think because I don't have any answers. I don't believe either way strong enough to make a real decision about what everyone babbles on about. I don't know. I'm a very indecisive person. I can see BOTH of your sides. And I don't know which is the right way. And I don't have this ability to just call God up and ask flat out. I know everyone would say that I should just find it in the word, but you see... Everyone can make the word prove THEIR point... And countries have split because of it. People and denominations have been at war over it for thousands of years. People groups are STILL at war over it.

And I am tired. Tired of not being able to know which is black, and which is white in this tiresome grey world.

So I just want to be in the shadows. In the back. The little person who doesn't have to stand before God with some big account for all the people I lead....

I just want to be ok not having answers.

No trying to change the world or save it.

Not trying to understand if its black or white.

I just want to be able to love people around me. Nothing big. Nothing extravagant...

Just love those I see who need loving. Lonely, broken, sad, hungry, orphaned people....

To be free of responsibility to lead anyone, or change anything...

Just give a cup of water, hang with a lonely friend, hold an orphaned child....

Nothing that I could ever be judged for. Because I never made any big statement, or had any argument for the way anything should be.

Who could have conflict with me if I never say anything but "I'll be your friend" Never lead anything except an orphan child by their hand, and never judge anything but my own intentions and motives....

I have no hope of changing this world. It makes me tired to think about it.

I am completely content to be in the background, unheard and unseen.

I am happy here in the grey. Not having to choose any ones side. Living my life by my convictions and not forcing that on anyone else.

Showing people the love of the father in my actions not my words.... In how well I can put my money where my mouth is. Or better yet... Not even saying a thing.... just doing it. Just doing it.

JUST DOING IT.

That's the only hope that I have.

Yod, hey, vav, hey....

Just worrying about myself and how I am showing love to others, and how well I am doing MY part in being Jesus to those right where I am... Not the masses. Just those that I run into everyday... I don't want a box to stand on. I don't even really want to be seen. I don't want to win arguments about philosophy, scripture, politics, or anything at all. Because it's all so damn grey to me.

But this, to me this is clear.

Just breathe.

My favorite Iron and wine song is called the "trapeze swinger" and it's just a beautiful description about life... my favorite part is the end, it goes:

"But please, remember me finally and all my uphill clawing. And my dear, if I make the pearly gates... I'll do my best to make a drawing of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl, an angel kissing on a sinner. A monkey, and a man. A marching band, all around the frightened trapeze swinger"

What a beautiful message hidden in there. I think Sam Beam must have felt the same as I do now when writing that.

What a world we live in. What confusion. What pain and beauty all mixed in to one.

While I sound like I am in despair, I am actually constantly seeing the beautiful side to this world. The sweetness in the bitterness.

Oh... I'm so tired. I'm not making any sense to myself anymore.

Goodnight world. Tomorrow may you be a little less grey.

Random thoughts:

Of all the things that I wish to be forgiven, I think that Apathy succeeds them all.

I have forgotten you my love. I have abandoned you.

He was easy to see. He was easy to feel. He was easy to touch and understand.

So I followed him.

And we sailed away and I watched you fall to your knees on the shore.

Where I knew you would be if I returned.

What love is that?

What love would that ever be?

But he, with his different faces, fades away...

And the hole that you created for yourself to fill in me, aches.

So I find another, another easy to see, easy to feel, easy to understand face that soothes the ache for a moment... Only to fade away.

Why? Why can I not just fill this with it's intended filling?

You are what I need. You are what I ache for. Though I find myself too lazy to sit and try to hear you, try to feel you, and try to be near you.

You are too confusing to me. Too mysterious. Too frightening.

So I leave you on your knees on that shore. And I sail away over and over again.

And each time I wash back ashore, I am more empty, more frightened, more fearful of you.

More depleted, more blistered, more lost than before. I am more bitter, more broken, more desperate for more.

Though I see myself drowning, I sail out for more.

Because you are a love that I don't understand. A love that makes me crazy, as I lay in this sand alone, but not alone... with you.

who are you?

Who are you who has held my heart away for a ransom that just can't be paid by any ordinary man.

I feel like those people who never drink water, and they get hunger pains, so they try to fill themselves with food, because they think they are hungry. But really... They are thirsty. Their body needs water. So they are getting fat because they are overeating, but they aren't getting what they need.

I have mistaken my ache. Mistaken my need. I need you, living water.

But, all I have is this honesty. Because if I were you I wouldn't keep taking me back. Because, do I really understand? How many times have I come back to you when the ache was most painful, only to leave once it was soothed.

I have no face. I am just a babbling idiot. Speaking over and over again whatever makes sense to me at the moment. Whatever makes me feel better. Whatever justifies me.

who are you to trifle with me?

Show me what I mean.