Yod, Hey, Vav, Hey

My head has been clouded all day long.

Intense pressure builds up and I find myself wishing I could crawl out of my skin.

But, then I remember to breathe.

In....... and out.......

In.........and out......

And I feel the strength to take another step.

Shall I be candid?

Today I decided that I don't want to change the world.

I don't want to do incredible things.

I have no huge aspirations anymore.

I just want simplicity. I just want to stay out of all the drama, and the war... And just have peace.

I have seen so many hypocrites. So many who judge others. Such stinginess. Such pride....

I despair at this world.

I feel that trying to change this world by talking, will never ever do a thing. How can you persuade people to see the other side when they're blinded by their pride?

And then the emotion overwhelms me...

Breathe. In...... and out.........

I cry a little... I feel so helpless.

I can see a need, but I can see no resolution. men have talked for thousands of years to try to change this world... But the core of it is still...... spoiled.

Rarely can people agree on anything. I see the very people who should be filled with love, tearing others down. Oh, but the whole world does it. We tear each other limb from limb with our words...

I wish I could just close the shades. Remove myself from it. But, wouldn't it be in my home anyway? Because this rot is in us all...

So I breathe... In and out.... In and out....

I just want to live low-profile. I don't want to lead. Leaders are so often torn apart by their followers. By the enemy. By their own pride.

I hate when people try to call out leadership in me. I don't want it. I want to be able to stay low-key.

I think because I don't have any answers. I don't believe either way strong enough to make a real decision about what everyone babbles on about. I don't know. I'm a very indecisive person. I can see BOTH of your sides. And I don't know which is the right way. And I don't have this ability to just call God up and ask flat out. I know everyone would say that I should just find it in the word, but you see... Everyone can make the word prove THEIR point... And countries have split because of it. People and denominations have been at war over it for thousands of years. People groups are STILL at war over it.

And I am tired. Tired of not being able to know which is black, and which is white in this tiresome grey world.

So I just want to be in the shadows. In the back. The little person who doesn't have to stand before God with some big account for all the people I lead....

I just want to be ok not having answers.

No trying to change the world or save it.

Not trying to understand if its black or white.

I just want to be able to love people around me. Nothing big. Nothing extravagant...

Just love those I see who need loving. Lonely, broken, sad, hungry, orphaned people....

To be free of responsibility to lead anyone, or change anything...

Just give a cup of water, hang with a lonely friend, hold an orphaned child....

Nothing that I could ever be judged for. Because I never made any big statement, or had any argument for the way anything should be.

Who could have conflict with me if I never say anything but "I'll be your friend" Never lead anything except an orphan child by their hand, and never judge anything but my own intentions and motives....

I have no hope of changing this world. It makes me tired to think about it.

I am completely content to be in the background, unheard and unseen.

I am happy here in the grey. Not having to choose any ones side. Living my life by my convictions and not forcing that on anyone else.

Showing people the love of the father in my actions not my words.... In how well I can put my money where my mouth is. Or better yet... Not even saying a thing.... just doing it. Just doing it.

JUST DOING IT.

That's the only hope that I have.

Yod, hey, vav, hey....

Just worrying about myself and how I am showing love to others, and how well I am doing MY part in being Jesus to those right where I am... Not the masses. Just those that I run into everyday... I don't want a box to stand on. I don't even really want to be seen. I don't want to win arguments about philosophy, scripture, politics, or anything at all. Because it's all so damn grey to me.

But this, to me this is clear.

Just breathe.

My favorite Iron and wine song is called the "trapeze swinger" and it's just a beautiful description about life... my favorite part is the end, it goes:

"But please, remember me finally and all my uphill clawing. And my dear, if I make the pearly gates... I'll do my best to make a drawing of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl, an angel kissing on a sinner. A monkey, and a man. A marching band, all around the frightened trapeze swinger"

What a beautiful message hidden in there. I think Sam Beam must have felt the same as I do now when writing that.

What a world we live in. What confusion. What pain and beauty all mixed in to one.

While I sound like I am in despair, I am actually constantly seeing the beautiful side to this world. The sweetness in the bitterness.

Oh... I'm so tired. I'm not making any sense to myself anymore.

Goodnight world. Tomorrow may you be a little less grey.