Random thoughts:

Of all the things that I wish to be forgiven, I think that Apathy succeeds them all.

I have forgotten you my love. I have abandoned you.

He was easy to see. He was easy to feel. He was easy to touch and understand.

So I followed him.

And we sailed away and I watched you fall to your knees on the shore.

Where I knew you would be if I returned.

What love is that?

What love would that ever be?

But he, with his different faces, fades away...

And the hole that you created for yourself to fill in me, aches.

So I find another, another easy to see, easy to feel, easy to understand face that soothes the ache for a moment... Only to fade away.

Why? Why can I not just fill this with it's intended filling?

You are what I need. You are what I ache for. Though I find myself too lazy to sit and try to hear you, try to feel you, and try to be near you.

You are too confusing to me. Too mysterious. Too frightening.

So I leave you on your knees on that shore. And I sail away over and over again.

And each time I wash back ashore, I am more empty, more frightened, more fearful of you.

More depleted, more blistered, more lost than before. I am more bitter, more broken, more desperate for more.

Though I see myself drowning, I sail out for more.

Because you are a love that I don't understand. A love that makes me crazy, as I lay in this sand alone, but not alone... with you.

who are you?

Who are you who has held my heart away for a ransom that just can't be paid by any ordinary man.

I feel like those people who never drink water, and they get hunger pains, so they try to fill themselves with food, because they think they are hungry. But really... They are thirsty. Their body needs water. So they are getting fat because they are overeating, but they aren't getting what they need.

I have mistaken my ache. Mistaken my need. I need you, living water.

But, all I have is this honesty. Because if I were you I wouldn't keep taking me back. Because, do I really understand? How many times have I come back to you when the ache was most painful, only to leave once it was soothed.

I have no face. I am just a babbling idiot. Speaking over and over again whatever makes sense to me at the moment. Whatever makes me feel better. Whatever justifies me.

who are you to trifle with me?

Show me what I mean.