I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said
“Love is like a role that we play.”

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

"Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

That one ache.

I only ever write when I'm sad.

Either in my journal, blog, or a song. I write when I am sad. I feel bad about that, because it appears I'm a very emotionally tortured person. But, let me assure you... I only write when I am sad, which means the rest of the time... I am very happy...

But, tonight I am sad.

I feel that old stupid ache. Wondering why life is so hard. Not for me, I am not complaining... I am feeling sad for a friend. A friend who feels that ache of life. And I don't know how to help.

I want to make it all better. Make it all go away. Make it perfect.

I wish I could be his father, and show him how proud I am of him. Wish I could be his mother, and hold him and nurture him. I wish I could be his brother, and just hang out with him. I wish I could give up what I have if it meant he'd have it.

Why does life have to be so gray? To hurt so much?

Why are there so many sad people? So many lonely people? So many people who don't even know which way to start walking.

Lord have mercy on us. Lord show us your power again. Even though we don't deserve it. Even though we don't even truly seek it out.

I know nothing. I have no answers. I have no solution for any of this. I am too, just a person who is crying out to the God in heaven to light a way out of the dark, and I believe he will answer that plea.

So I will make it:

Creator....

Mercy, mercy, mercy. I beg you for healing and purpose.

I beg you to make yourself known to this world, here and now. That you wouldn't be a still small voice, especially with those who are hurting, but that you would be the stubborn lover like with Paul, where you wouldn't let him go the way he wanted but forced him to listen with your power and glory. You didn't hide yourself or stay silent. You made yourself known. You did the same with Moses and the burning bush, and you spoke loud and clear. Poppa, please... Show my broken generation that you care about us. That you want us. That you are who you are, and that you are there. Don't be silent. Speak loud and clear. Save us from ourselves and from the pains of this world.

I need you. He needs you. They need you.

Amen

Yod, Hey, Vav, Hey

My head has been clouded all day long.

Intense pressure builds up and I find myself wishing I could crawl out of my skin.

But, then I remember to breathe.

In....... and out.......

In.........and out......

And I feel the strength to take another step.

Shall I be candid?

Today I decided that I don't want to change the world.

I don't want to do incredible things.

I have no huge aspirations anymore.

I just want simplicity. I just want to stay out of all the drama, and the war... And just have peace.

I have seen so many hypocrites. So many who judge others. Such stinginess. Such pride....

I despair at this world.

I feel that trying to change this world by talking, will never ever do a thing. How can you persuade people to see the other side when they're blinded by their pride?

And then the emotion overwhelms me...

Breathe. In...... and out.........

I cry a little... I feel so helpless.

I can see a need, but I can see no resolution. men have talked for thousands of years to try to change this world... But the core of it is still...... spoiled.

Rarely can people agree on anything. I see the very people who should be filled with love, tearing others down. Oh, but the whole world does it. We tear each other limb from limb with our words...

I wish I could just close the shades. Remove myself from it. But, wouldn't it be in my home anyway? Because this rot is in us all...

So I breathe... In and out.... In and out....

I just want to live low-profile. I don't want to lead. Leaders are so often torn apart by their followers. By the enemy. By their own pride.

I hate when people try to call out leadership in me. I don't want it. I want to be able to stay low-key.

I think because I don't have any answers. I don't believe either way strong enough to make a real decision about what everyone babbles on about. I don't know. I'm a very indecisive person. I can see BOTH of your sides. And I don't know which is the right way. And I don't have this ability to just call God up and ask flat out. I know everyone would say that I should just find it in the word, but you see... Everyone can make the word prove THEIR point... And countries have split because of it. People and denominations have been at war over it for thousands of years. People groups are STILL at war over it.

And I am tired. Tired of not being able to know which is black, and which is white in this tiresome grey world.

So I just want to be in the shadows. In the back. The little person who doesn't have to stand before God with some big account for all the people I lead....

I just want to be ok not having answers.

No trying to change the world or save it.

Not trying to understand if its black or white.

I just want to be able to love people around me. Nothing big. Nothing extravagant...

Just love those I see who need loving. Lonely, broken, sad, hungry, orphaned people....

To be free of responsibility to lead anyone, or change anything...

Just give a cup of water, hang with a lonely friend, hold an orphaned child....

Nothing that I could ever be judged for. Because I never made any big statement, or had any argument for the way anything should be.

Who could have conflict with me if I never say anything but "I'll be your friend" Never lead anything except an orphan child by their hand, and never judge anything but my own intentions and motives....

I have no hope of changing this world. It makes me tired to think about it.

I am completely content to be in the background, unheard and unseen.

I am happy here in the grey. Not having to choose any ones side. Living my life by my convictions and not forcing that on anyone else.

Showing people the love of the father in my actions not my words.... In how well I can put my money where my mouth is. Or better yet... Not even saying a thing.... just doing it. Just doing it.

JUST DOING IT.

That's the only hope that I have.

Yod, hey, vav, hey....

Just worrying about myself and how I am showing love to others, and how well I am doing MY part in being Jesus to those right where I am... Not the masses. Just those that I run into everyday... I don't want a box to stand on. I don't even really want to be seen. I don't want to win arguments about philosophy, scripture, politics, or anything at all. Because it's all so damn grey to me.

But this, to me this is clear.

Just breathe.

My favorite Iron and wine song is called the "trapeze swinger" and it's just a beautiful description about life... my favorite part is the end, it goes:

"But please, remember me finally and all my uphill clawing. And my dear, if I make the pearly gates... I'll do my best to make a drawing of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl, an angel kissing on a sinner. A monkey, and a man. A marching band, all around the frightened trapeze swinger"

What a beautiful message hidden in there. I think Sam Beam must have felt the same as I do now when writing that.

What a world we live in. What confusion. What pain and beauty all mixed in to one.

While I sound like I am in despair, I am actually constantly seeing the beautiful side to this world. The sweetness in the bitterness.

Oh... I'm so tired. I'm not making any sense to myself anymore.

Goodnight world. Tomorrow may you be a little less grey.

Random thoughts:

Of all the things that I wish to be forgiven, I think that Apathy succeeds them all.

I have forgotten you my love. I have abandoned you.

He was easy to see. He was easy to feel. He was easy to touch and understand.

So I followed him.

And we sailed away and I watched you fall to your knees on the shore.

Where I knew you would be if I returned.

What love is that?

What love would that ever be?

But he, with his different faces, fades away...

And the hole that you created for yourself to fill in me, aches.

So I find another, another easy to see, easy to feel, easy to understand face that soothes the ache for a moment... Only to fade away.

Why? Why can I not just fill this with it's intended filling?

You are what I need. You are what I ache for. Though I find myself too lazy to sit and try to hear you, try to feel you, and try to be near you.

You are too confusing to me. Too mysterious. Too frightening.

So I leave you on your knees on that shore. And I sail away over and over again.

And each time I wash back ashore, I am more empty, more frightened, more fearful of you.

More depleted, more blistered, more lost than before. I am more bitter, more broken, more desperate for more.

Though I see myself drowning, I sail out for more.

Because you are a love that I don't understand. A love that makes me crazy, as I lay in this sand alone, but not alone... with you.

who are you?

Who are you who has held my heart away for a ransom that just can't be paid by any ordinary man.

I feel like those people who never drink water, and they get hunger pains, so they try to fill themselves with food, because they think they are hungry. But really... They are thirsty. Their body needs water. So they are getting fat because they are overeating, but they aren't getting what they need.

I have mistaken my ache. Mistaken my need. I need you, living water.

But, all I have is this honesty. Because if I were you I wouldn't keep taking me back. Because, do I really understand? How many times have I come back to you when the ache was most painful, only to leave once it was soothed.

I have no face. I am just a babbling idiot. Speaking over and over again whatever makes sense to me at the moment. Whatever makes me feel better. Whatever justifies me.

who are you to trifle with me?

Show me what I mean.

Dark night of the soul.

If I were you, I wouldn't go into this post thinking it will make sense.

I am listening to Explosions in the sky. They always make me reflect. They may even be making me unwillingly think.

Another of these dreaded nights, where I lay awake and try not to be overtaken by my emotions.

I am glad that these nights are few and far between, but when they do decide to plague me, they bring a fright that I am never prepared to deal with. Nights where I lay awake and am face to face with the deepest hurts and fears of my soul.

Why do these nights suddenly strike? And without warning?

What happened in my day that brought me to this place? What reminded me of you? (what doesn't remind me of you) ?

Oh, yes....

I sang your song today... I let your memory settle in my mind as I sang out of loving and missing you. Oh, it felt innocent enough... But, there you are. There you are now. And I feel it like an old ache.... Always with you, ever-present. Sometimes almost, but never forgotten.

It's much like waking up in a nightmare, the day that something like that happens. You never seem to wake up from it.... You just learn to live in the nightmare. After a while, you may forget it's a nightmare.... But you never seem to go back to the level of innocence that you once lived in.

They said time would heal it. I admit the pain has dulled, but yet, there it is. So easy to access.

What time has done however, is taken me further from you. I remember right after and for a while after... being able to feel you still. The warmth of your arms around me. And the smell of your hair as you held me crying. The sound of your voice as you spoke light into the dark. Time has taken that from me.

I close my eyes and try so hard to remember your warm skin, and I feel nothing but the coldness of my lost memory. No smell. No sound. lost.

I do not cry because I am uncertain of where you are or that we will meet again. I cry because there is a certain sadness in the time I must now spend without you here. I cry (like a tantrum more than anything) as I look forward to what I will face in the next 70 years or so... not just being without the three of you. But, the sure knowledge of the many more pains that I will face in this world. The many more hurts and disappointments that this life will offer.

The frustrations of this life... I cry as I dread those.

These nights when none of your normal pain relievers will offer you relief.

When normally I might be able to write in my journal or write a song, I find it hard to express the word laying at the bottom of my soul. I find it frustrating that words cannot express the feelings I feel. I don't think there is a sound in any language that could bear the weight of loss.

No assortment of pretty vocabulary (or ugly for that matter) could come close to releasing this burden. No, words will fail.

I would run... Run miles... Run so hard that I couldn't help but be still after I'd finished. To drain all my energy out so that there would be none left to think of these things with.

But no, on these nights.... There isn't even the strength to put a foot in front of the other to begin... No, there is no strength for that. But the emotion still overwhelms me... It seems to have its own strength, but it won't share it with my flesh. No. It won't allow me the option of ridding myself of it.

There is nothing I want to do. Nothing I want to say. Nothing I want to hear. I just want relief.

The emotion is built up, and I lay writhing in my bed as I beg for release.

I never thought it possible to have such an overload of emotion. To be afraid of breaking from it. Though I have taken to heart David's words that Joy comes in the morning.

I think he was saying.... Stick it out. Don't be swallowed by this feeling. Don't let it consume you. Hold on as long as you can... get through this dark night... The morning brings new hope. The morning brings perspective.

And so I lay here. And I try to talk to God.

I begin to speak, "God- Just, hold me....... Tak-" And then, I realize I don't have the words. I don't even know what I need. I don't know what to say to him. Words fail. Words never had the power to carry out thoughts of this kind.

These are screams. These are groanings. But not of an audible kind.

This kind of mourning has no sound. One is totally deflated. The energy to manifest it's pain is non-existent. If you looked at a creature in this agony he might seem asleep.

It is silent. The battle is being waged deeper than the skin and muscle, deeper than the bones,

in the very spirit.

I lie here and do not say a word to my creator. I have no interest tonight in babbling on at him. Not one word I have ever heard uttered could explain to him what I need. That word was never created. Even if it were, I wouldn't know what it was I needed in the first place. Every path I begin to walk down in my mind has me stopping two feet in, as I realize that it indeed is the wrong answer to my question.

So I lay here. Silent. Believing that my Lord could heal the wound in me I don't see or understand. The wound I have no name or sound for. Believe that without even knowing fully why I am hurting, that he can make me new.

And I wait for morning.

True love and Beauty

Thoughts on this have been swirling around my heart for some time now.

Why don't many marriages last...

Why do some insanely beautiful souls find themselves alone...

Why do we often choose a partner that isn't right for us...

Why is attraction so important...

What does any of it have to do with the meaning of life, and our immortal souls?

How do I even start?

I will begin with a story.

I know a girl, a beautiful soul. She is sweet, kind, Soft-spoken, passionate, loving to all those she meets, and can see those people that are so often unseen.

She looks perfect on paper, every mans dream girl.

But, for many of us, if we saw her we wouldn't notice her. She is often not given a second glance. She is scenery to most people.

No man has looked at her with love in his eyes, or romance in his heart.

This girl is not by this worlds standards, "beautiful".

Some may look at her and label her "ugly".

She wasn't blessed with attractive features, or soft and smooth skin.

Nothing about her physical appearance is attractive.

And not many people have dared to venture past that which they've seen on the surface, to discover that she is one of the most beautiful women this world will ever know.

I will tell you another story:

There is a girl, who has loved a man she doesn't know. In her mind he is perfect. He is perfect, because he is beautiful. He is "her type" and she believes as she has for years, that if they were together, they would have the perfect love.

This same girl knows another man. He is everything she needs. He makes her laugh, and has deep conversations with her about God, life, happiness, and everything that is important.

He is kind, caring, compassionate, trustworthy, and everything that she doesn't realize she needs.

She will never look at him as anything more than her buddy, because he isn't attractive by this worlds standards.

ATTRACTION:

What is attraction?

Well, attraction has many different sides. There is spiritual attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction, and probably a few others.

I've discovered that many of us wouldn't dig any deeper into another persons being if we were not first physically attracted.

Many of us have excused this shallowness by saying how important attraction really is.

Even in the Christian world, we have come to the belief that God would want us to be attracted to our spouse.

I am also aware that there is also the human instinct in us to desire to mate with an attractive partner so that our offspring is beautiful. Also, some things we find ourselves attracted to have everything to do with our biological makeup and health, etc. to ensure our offspring the best chance possible at survival, etc. etc.

(Please understand, that if anyone is afflicted with this, I am. Hence the reason these are revelations that I've been having).

But, I've begun to ask myself.... What does it have to do with anything?

What does it have to TRULY do with any little thing that is important?

It's such a fleshly desire. Such a fleshly affliction.

We are not the skin that contains us. We are spiritual beings bound in a shell that does not reflect the soul within.

When we leave this world, who we were under this skin will finally be visible to the eye.

I could see the most beautiful person in the world and the ugliest, in this place we call heaven, stripped of the shell, and I could see that the positions would be reversed.

Because, who we are has nothing to do with how we look, or dress, or smell.

We spend so much time working on the outside of our shell instead of the soul within.

When I am stripped of my shell, what will people see? Who will I be? What actual worth will I have?

What's really interesting to know, is that our father in heaven already sees us for what we truly are.

What does he see when he sees me?

How have I worked on my true self in comparison to the time and effort I've spent in front of a mirror or in a gym?

These are questions we should all be asking ourselves, considering they are the most important ones.

This of course had me begin thinking of marriage and love.

I think of how many people have married their spouses because of that initial attraction and infatuation, "Eros" love.

What happens when that flame burns out? When the passion that sustained them is gone and all that is left is the two beings underneath all of that emotion.

Were you compatible? Did you see the world in the same light? Did you have a genuine love for WHO that person was? Did you have the same spiritual desires? Did you even really like who they were at all?

I can't even count the amount of people I have known who realized they didn't even have anything in common with their spouse. That they didn't even know who they were inside. That they didn't even really have an affection for that persons personality. That there wasn't even a true friendship there. That they weren't even right for each other.

And it has me thinking...…

We are in love with love. We are in love with "Eros"

We often marry because we are burning with passion, and infatuation.

We often try to find someone that we can live WITH, rather than finding someone we couldn't live without.

I don't think we see marriage for what it is... A lifelong commitment to a person, to stay with them no matter what happens.

Because, if we did... Don't you think that we would be more careful with whom we chose?

I have never met a person that I would want to connect myself with for my entire life. Someone I liked and enjoyed so much that I would desire to never be without them, EXCEPT for my friends.

I find that interesting. That so many of us can go a whole lifetime with the same friends, but not the same spouse.

Could it be because the standard by which we choose our friends is different from that which we choose our spouse?

We seem to choose our friends by wether or not they are compatible with us. Wether or not we enjoy their company even when we're doing nothing, even when we are broke or sick.

We don't rush into life-long commitments with friends. It usually comes along naturally.

An acquaintance turns into a friend, and after time has tested your compatibility and general enjoyment of one another, it turns into a deeper and deeper affection that often surpasses social status, financial status, physical appearance, mood, grief, and life's ups and downs.

The natural process is not usually rushed, or pressured, or climbing the emotional peaks faster than is natural to do. We seem to be more content to be where we are for as long as we need before progressing to a new emotional height or experience than we're ready for.

This is how I see our culture. We are so over-excited to climb to a new emotional level in relationships, that we aren't often actually ready to go there. We are in love with being in love. We are in love with the idea more than we are in love with the person that we are running down the aisle with.

And then, ten years goes by, and passion has faded. Our physical appearance may have become a very different thing than it had been, and we are left with a person that we have bound ourselves for life to, that we don't even really know.

I know that the divorce rate isn't simply because of not choosing correctly, but is also because we do not understand commitment. And we do not respect the seriousness of a promise. But that is a whole different blog...

I have a tendency for extremes. You may have already realized that in reading this. But, doesn't it make any sense at all in the least bit?

I know it isn't true of all people, but I think it's definitely true of a majority of people.

So I thought about attraction, and I thought about love. And I thought....

What does attraction have to do with true love?

True love surpasses the years of our beauty. True love is still there when the face that was once young and beautiful has become wrinkled and unrecognizable. Because true love loved the person under the shell. True love loved the soul of the person it's beholding.

So then, what should it have to do with it in the beginning?

What if the perfect person for you, the one you will love your whole life, isn't attractive?

Shouldn't we be searching for the person that is compatible with our soul?

Most of us don't choose a friend only because they are attractive (even if they aren't kind to us, or even if we have nothing in common). Most of us would rather have a friend that is all the qualities we are looking for and are important to us, regardless of their physical appearance.

Do you see the connection?

I don't want to be afflicted with this anymore. I want to be able to see past physical appearance and into the soul of a man, and choose based on that.

I want to have a true love.

I don't want to be a statistic of divorce.

I want to be free of this affliction.

I want to see the beauty past the skin that holds the souls that are walking this earth.

I want to love the souls of those around me regardless of appearance.

I want to be like my savior; to see those that are unseen, to love those that are unloved.

To be a friend to the lonely.

I don't want to see with my fleshly eyes anymore.... Cause I'm missing out.

Justin Beiber

Forgive me.

I have so many thoughts running through my head regarding this young man. And I've tried so hard to just keep my conviction to myself, and not push it on anyone else. But the more I try, the harder it has gotten.

I'm not trying to bash anyone, or make anyone feel that I am judging them. I don't want to give off a "holier than thou" impression. I just have a strong conviction that I can't keep silent about anymore.

I can't go a few days without hearing some kind of joke made at Justin's expense. Some are more innocent than others. Some are seriously offensive.

The thing that I have a hard time with, is that this boy is a human being, with feelings. I'm sure he can see all these youtube videos and comments all over the web.

While we may think it's innocent teasing, few of us would find the humor in it if this was directed at us.

A few thoughts on Justin:

Yes, he may be quite ignorant. He may say things that are simply laughable. He may think he's all that (which, from what I can tell is one thing that many people have a problem with).

He may not be the worlds most amazing musician. You may simply despise his sound.

But, here's the thing... I am so glad that there weren't a thousand camera's on me at that awkward time in my life. I can remember in my teenage years times that I was so arrogant and ignorant. Times I simply wish I couldn't remember 'cause of the sheer embarrassment of how awkward and ridiculous I was.

Why do so many people find enjoyment in tearing that boy down?

Why do we enjoy the humor that brings others pain?

He may just be a face to alot of people. Maybe people forget that he really is a person who hears these things said about him.

But, this brings me to the real point that I want to bring up...

What are we as Christians doing participating in it?

What about it is loving our neighbor?

It's the furthest thing from love I can think of.

People who read this may think I'm taking it too seriously. But, I just can't see this kid Justin not being affected by the things being said about him. I can't see that it wouldn't hurt his feelings. That this wouldn't possibly send him into some kind of emotional turmoil.

How can he believe that Christians are loving when we are participating in the kind of joking about him that is circulating?

I just want to challenge us to look within ourselves, and to question our motives as to why we would participate in this kind of thing. Is the love of Christ flowing out of us through it? or are we being hypocrites? I feel like we're being two-faced. Claiming we love Christ and then picking on someone that Christ loves very much.

And one that truly irritates me, is that, if everyone wasn't making fun of this kid, would we be doing it? Are you being a victim of "group think"?

It makes me think of Christ and the crowd screaming to crucify him. What had he ever done to the crowd but heal and feed them? Why is the human race so thirsty to see the demise of another? Why do we so easily go with the crowd despite our conviction? Despite what we know is right? Why are so freaking scared to be the few that stand in opposition to the majority?

If the world wasn't laughing at him, would you have even have noticed him at all?

What is motivating you?

Can't we find humor in things that don't humiliate a person?

I'm ok with everyone thinking that I've gone overboard on this subject.

I'm ok with standing by my convictions despite the unpopularity.

Aren't you?

Properly mixed...

I am sitting here tonight wondering about how I will ever re-inter grate into the life that I had before. How do you do that when you've lived outside of it for so long?

I have finally realized some of what I was feeling the last time I was at home for an extended period of time... All the unease I was feeling and why I couldn't just slide back in...

I have made friends here in China that I love more than I thought I ever could... And I see how their lives are... How little they have... The struggles they face that most of us rarely face in our lifetime... And I think.... How am I ever going to be able to forget that the world is full of people like them? That we, in our little Orange county bubble, often fail to realize exist.

How can I go back to living a normal life after seeing so much? I want to... I do want to go back to the life I knew... I miss it. I miss my family, I miss my friends.... I miss In N out and the beach... I miss smelling like nice perfume, and having beautiful make-up to wear. I miss going shopping, and playing music at Starbucks with my best friends... I miss my life...

But I think about going back to it... And I feel sick in my stomach.... Like I'm turning my back on those I love here... Like I'm taking the get out of jail free card and abandoning those that are so dear to me. I don't even know if that makes sense... I guess in some weird way I have inter-grated into them... my heart has become one with these people... They feel like family... and leaving feels like walking out on them.

It's such a strange feeling I get...I can't even describe it. It's like I'm sitting over a friend that is dying and there is nothing in the world that I can do for them... What has happened has happened... But I can't walk away from them and leave them to it. Even though there isn't much I can do staying with them either.... Except to love them.

What does one do with this? What can I really do for them by staying? There really isn't much I can do to change their lives... Some (and not because of their own stubbornness but because of their conditioning) don't want anything to do with what I have to offer. But, I've fallen in love with them. I can't just turn away now. Can't just leave them to sink alone.

Is that enough or a purpose for me? Enough of a mission? Enough of a reason to sacrifice the life I had? Simply to add as much happiness to another's life as possible... To ease a small bit of the stress they feel from their suffering? Nothing life changing, nothing worthy of remembrance in the worlds eye... My drive is simply to see my friends smile... However I can bring that about. Joking with them, talking with them, looking stupid for them... To be to a few people that the world will never know or care that exists, a reason to smile, someone to talk to, someone who sees them...

It is nothing remarkable. It is nothing anyone would ever base a movie or book off of. It isn't spectacular by any means. Some may see it as worthless, or a waste of time or a life. It is so very normal. So very simple. So very ordinary. So very little. But maybe, maybe it's what the world needs more than spectacular. Just a little bit of ordinary love.

I am aware of the hundred years that it has been since I've written a post.

I have been extremely busy learning Chinese, being with Chinese people, AND enjoying my new job singing and playing my guitar in a pub. How do I get so lucky?

It's been cold here in Beijing for a while now, but this last week has really warmed up, and I am thankful. It snowed yesterday, and the temperature was bearable enough to enjoy the beautiful snow.

cold weather is not all bad though, I have my own personal refrigerator in my room because of it.

There is the inner window and the outer window and they freeze when put between them. It's incredible.

My Chinese is going fabulous, mostly because I never speak English cause I don't have any foreigner friends, or Chinese friends who speak English. It does however present a problem... Because I have been forgetting ALOT of English words. The other day, my Chinese friend Li Wen Tao asked me how to say the months in the year. So I begin, "January, February, UEuuuu...........uh....... January, February,.......... uhhhhhhh.... 三月!!!! And then my integration into a Chinese person became even worse when I was too embarrassed to admit I had forgotten how to say March (save face) that I pretended that I knew... "January, February, month 3, April, May...."

And the madness, it continues... When referring to myself I often point straight at my nose. It feels natural...

I will fight and bargain the price down for one kuai (ten cents).

I often begin a statement by putting my index finger in the air and STREEEETCHING out my tones.

Chinese people all look VERY different, and I am beggining to feel all foreigners look the same

My thoughts are often all thought in Chinese

There isn't an ounce of self consciousness in spitting my bones out onto the table, or blowing my nose in front of everyone.

When a foreigner enters the pub, I am standing right next to the Chinese waitresses staring at them oh so rudely in fascination.... Then guessing which country they're from, and discussing their attire, and countries circumstances right in front of them, cause after all, foreigners don't speak Chinese.

I have used the English dictionary five times while writing this to remember words like "circumstances", "integration", "attire", and "index finger" And to make sure that I was right that san yue is really "March"

I have been teaching guitar to anyone who wants to learn, and that has been a highlight in my life. This picture is of my latest student, and she is a QUICK learner. It's such a joy to see my Chinese friends enjoying music as much as I do.

I've gotten very close with all the Chinese people at the pub. They're all my age, and super awesome. After work we go out to eat together, and hang out. It's quite an awesome little community and I can't dream of leaving them.

In a lot of ways this time is better than the last time I lived in China. I am not sure what the difference is this time, maybe cause I am playing music, and really understanding Chinese and therefore getting to know the Chinese people deeper. But, they have my heart, that's for sure.

How am I ever going to be able to be normal again?